I’m grateful for a visit from my daughter. I’m grateful for progress. I’m grateful for the people who have taught me so much this year. I’m grateful for seeing what needed to change. I’m grateful to be sober today.
Also—click the picture to read “The Ten Steps of Marius” on the website!
We’re on the late side today and this is because my daughter is visiting. We’ve gone from not really talking, to her spending a few days a month with me when she’s in town for work. This qualifies as a minor miracle.1 I talk a lot about recovery being the process of finding and returning to the person you were meant to be and to live the life you were meant to lead.2 This also applies to other people and they are often quite happy to see that person re-emerge.
I’ve been working on an expanded 8th and 9th Step for a while. I’m a very firm believer that one does not work the steps in a weekend or a month or three months. I believe that “working the steps” is actually an ongoing commitment, not a collection of 12 To-Dos. The last eight words of the Steps make this clear:
To practice these principles in all of our affairs.
Haha, you thought you were finished. The Big Book identifies Egoism as the central culprit in the whole alcoholism thing. We alcoholics get this idea that we are at the center of the Universe, most of what happens there is supposed to be for our benefit, we get super-cranky when other people don’t play their assigned roles in the grandiose spectacle we are staging. We get to the make the rules and, more importantly, we are also empowered to make exceptions from those rules for ourselves, whenever it suits us.
This is a tough, well-entrenched nut to crack. I think the Second and Third Steps (Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity and made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to that Higher Power) are designed to help vanquish egos. Notably, acknowledging we are not the center of the Universe contributes mightily to the right-sizing of our alcoholic egos. Active alcoholics and addicts are “self-will run riot,” and shifting that perspective internally takes some real effort. Giving up the illusion of control is surprisingly difficult.
You see people really struggle with this in recovery. The strain of self-determination runs so strong—people often try to fashion their own Programs to replace the 12 Steps of AA. I was in rehab once with a guy from NY, we’ll call him Marius. He was older, an emigre from an Eastern European country and he intimated that he had once been a political prisoner, although that was never explored or verified. He did have a talent for making prison-style snacks out of the rehab pantry closet snacks. He also took delight in stealing food from the cafeteria, although it was an all-you-can eat Sodexho affair, so there wasn’t really a point to it. But it was entertaining to be sure.
Anyway, Marius had been forced to go to rehab by his wife and he had clearly not bought into the whole premise and was horrified as he learned about the 12 Steps. He began arguing with the counselors about were the steps really necessary and when they kept telling him, in his case, “yes,” well, he didn’t really hear that. At our regular Sunday night house meeting and check-in, Marius seized the floor and told us that he was about to change our lives—mostly for the better. He had given a lot of time and introspection to the 12 Steps over the last few days (in between eating some kind of MacGuyvered trail mix with smashed Cheese-It dust on top) and he was sorry to inform us that they just didn’t really make any sense.
Had I been barking up the wrong tree? I mean, this wasn’t my first trip to rehab, I felt like I should at least listen. Marius obliged and began to proclaim what he had modesty called “The 10 Steps of Marius.” For starters, ten was just a better number than twelve and there did seem to be some extra words in there—surely condensing it made sense. The Steps about God and the Higher Power came out and were mostly replaced by self-care type endeavors. The business of confessing wrongs and making amends was softened considerably and mostly involved forgiving others for their sins and trespasses—and that is in the Lord’s Prayer, so that seemed solid.
Honestly, I don’t remember many of the details of the Ten Steps of Marius, I was mostly transfixed by the spectacle of a magnificent alcoholic ego on display.
Marius checked himself out at the end of that week and his wife was super surprised to find that out when she showed up to visit him on Sunday afternoon. Me being me, I would often express confusion and say things in our group sessions like, “wait, is that from the AA steps or the Tens Steps of Marius.”3 Hahaha. To be fair, I didn't stay sober too long after this stint in rehab either.
Here’s the point that I diverged from some time ago. I’ve done the clenched-teeth 8th and 9th Steps, but not to everyone who deserves one and not the way it’s supposed to be done. I’ve been working on letters to the kids for a long time. I want it to be complete and thorough. It’s hard to do that, to recount as many of the sins as I can remember, but I think they kind of deserve that. One thing I learned in rehab is that saying “I’m sorry” can be kind of manipulative, especially in the hands of a practiced alcoholic. I would say, “I’m sorry” over and over to people, I finally realized that me saying “I’m sorry,” wasn’t really designed to make them feel better, it was designed to get them to say forgiving and kind things to me. Me saying “I’m sorry,” no matter how gravely and sincerely I meant it, was still kind of about me.
Making amends is different that saying “I’m sorry.” I think it involves showing the other person you know exactly what you did and that you have worked to understand the consequences for that other person. Otherwise, how do you know what kind of amends they are owed? I’m not sure my kids will get the long version yet, but I’ll share if they want it, because it’s important for them to know that I spent a while in their shoes, thinking about all of the things that happened and how that must have felt to them. Of course, this isn’t about me telling them what they felt, I’ll tell them what I came up with and then ask them to tell me. I don’t imagine this will be easy or comfortable, it already isn’t for me, but I’ve seen the benefits from even my earlier efforts, so I know this is worth the candle.
We alcoholics very much prefer the softer, gentler way, but that way doesn’t take you anywhere you want to go. The Steps are hard and the commitment to practice them in all of your affairs—forever— is a monumental undertaking. But this is where the freedom comes from. Peace and freedom and calm don’t start flowing just because the alcohol spigot gets turned off, they come from wholesale changes to your life and how you think about things. That change, in turn, flows from the right-sizing and optimal-placing of the alcoholic Ego. (Hint: Much smaller and not in the center)
My kids had to do without a father for a long time. That’s a hard thing to write and it will be even harder to say to them in person. That’s what will let them know I understand what happened and makes it possible for them to believe my commitment a little bit more. For sure, it will be part of their path to forgiveness, but that comes for them in their own time and their own way. Me doing the 9th Step doesn’t create an obligation on their part to forgive me. Right? You do have to let go of the idea in sobriety that doing the next right thing generates some kind of reward or entitlement. The 9th Step is not reciprocal.
I do know there is an incredibly valuable reward in doing this work. Yes, of course, it helps keep me sober, but it’s bigger than that. This is a gift of immense value and one I didn’t think I’d ever get sometimes. It’s the gift of handing someone I love very, very much a travel mug of coffee with the special hazelnut creamer (purchased only for the occasions of her visits) and an umbrella as she walks out the door and hearing “love you, Dad” as she walks down the hallway to the elevator.
Thanks for Letting Me Share
I’m not downplaying the significance of this particular miracle, but think “Major Miracle” gets reserved for raising the dead, calming seas, etc.
Please note, “life you were meant to lead,” may not be the life of your choice. Also note, it is not awarded on account of deserving it so much.
You should know that when I make a joke, the target audience is one. Wait, is that egotistical?
I love the photo!!
Thank you !