Hello and welcome to another week of Growing Pains: Sober Girls Edition!
So my boyfriend and I are trying this whole let’s not be codependent thing. I’m sitting on the floor writing this, with a foot mask on, watching Death on the Nile and pouting. I’d say it’s going pretty well.
But to the good stuff - Let’s chat about relationships with other women. I was recently at a Meeting a good friend chairs and he introduced the speaker as his “nearest and dearest man friend” I laughed a little when he said this but as the Meeting went on a few men shared about their distrust of other men early in their sobriety.
Which is so interesting, because it’s usually “Men with the Men and Women with the Women” in early sobriety. After the Meeting, I went to my closest friend in the program (Her name is J and if you haven't listened to our episode…we really think you should ;) ).
I told her that I really, really am not comfortable around a lot of other women but I really, really love and am comfortable with her. Why is that? J and my Sponsor are my rocks, I can talk to them about anything and everything, but when I’m in a Women’s Meeting, I can often feel my defenses rising, from the tips of my toes all the way to the top of my head. God forbid, I raise my hand in that Meeting for fear of being judged, or because everyone will talk shit after. Women can be catty and mean. I can be catty and mean. Sometimes, in an effort to avoid all of the above, I think it’s better to just keep my mouth shut and run out as soon as we all collectively say the word “difference” in the Serenity Prayer.
I remember, even as a little girl, I struggled with relationships with other little girls. I was picked on, I had crooked teeth and glasses (kinda had a Harry Potter vibe going on) and I loved to read. So automatically I was a nerd. I tried so hard to be seen, but ultimately felt judged by the prettier, more popular girls. I mean come on, middle school girls can be pretty ruthless, no?
It might have started when I was the only girl in my Karate class. But from there I started to figure maybe I just get along better with guys, they don’t care as much and there’s less drama. By the time I was 21 it was me and the boys at the dive bar..and nobody tried to out drink Jane because she’d drink just about any man under the table. I was comfortable, even proud of how much I could drink and I had this double life of hard working girly girl who loved margaritas after work and the club, but also the dive bars in Brooklyn with her guy best friends. They never gave her a hard time about how I looked, what I said and most of the time made sure I made it home (or at least into the Uber).
I am just now starting to really understand how much I struggle with insecurity, a lot of jealousy, and a boatload of resentment. I am starting to see how the Steps are helping to set me free from those things. There’s still work that I need to do. I know I’ll need to take a look at my part, and that I’ll have to let go of the other versions of myself; the version that thought I looked like Chambers of Secrets Harry Potter. I’ll have to let go of the parts that felt like my voice didn't matter, or that I was only good enough when I was drinking.
I’m ruthlessly honest with my sponsor and she reminds me that we are all in the same Program, men and women alike. That other women are here to support, and guide and celebrate and laugh and cry together. Not to tear each other down, or talk shit or be catty. I’ve realized that I’m never completely alone in how I feel and that’s the beauty of Alcoholics Anonymous. A humble reminder that I’m not snowflake-special and the women next to me at the Women’s Meeting probably feels the same way as I do. If we all stopped raising our hands…stopped sharing what was so freely given to us…. we wouldn’t have much of a program now would we?
So that is why it’s so important for me to be here today, with my foot mask on and in my feelings. Because I want other women (and men, too) to know they aren’t alone, and we are happy to share our struggles in an effort to lift each other up.
(I’m still working on the codependent thing, let’s not go there for today…)
With so much love,
Jane
Jane just finished your latest instalment. You are courageous and amazing. You may still be working on that co-dependent thing but we have all become completely dependent upon your power of example and your pure energy. Keep the observations coming and we will all keep hanging on every word.
Thank you!!
Tommy
I have definitely attended women’s meetings where I felt this way! I think the way we are socialized makes it inevitable, but you’re right, if we let that hold us back, no one would be there to share and support. I found that going to a bunch of different types of meetings helped me not get too sick of one or the other. Haha. Young people’s, women’s, huge speaker meetings that I could blend in to…etc!