I am so grateful to be sober today. I am grateful for my last day at my old job yesterday, and the first day at my new one on Monday. I’m grateful for kindness, being of service and the genuine friendships I have today. I’m grateful for my parents always being there to help, for a slow and quiet morning and for the weather starting to cool down.
Good morning my friends!
As always, I hope everyone has been enjoying the week and you are gearing up for a restful weekend :)
Yesterday morning I was so grounded in gratitude. There was a time where 7:45 AM felt like an unfathomable time to be awake. At 7:45 AM almost two years ago, I wouldn’t even really be conscious yet and if I was, I was sick, shaking, still a little drunk, only slept for about 3 hours not comprehending how I was going to make it through another day.
Yesterday at 7:45 AM I was on my way to the gym, the day before my best friend asked me to be her Maid of Honor in her wedding, and I have a new job that will be conducive to the kind of life I want to live. I was reflecting on how Timmy and I made it through a relatively challenging day, how my parents have always been there for me. I always wanted to be one of those weird morning people who had a productive morning, made it to the gym early, had a happy (nontoxic) relationship. The thought of being someone's Maid of Honor was a very distant thought (probably very unlikely as I was a terrible friend) and leaving my previous job?? A deep desire but not something I ever believed was possible.
And then, through a series of actions, a huge network of support, and trust in a power greater than myself – here I am. Writing to you all at 7:46 AM ;)
By yesterday night however, I was shutting down again. While the same friend who asked me to be her MOH, was sitting next to me. While I was on the phone with my parents. While I was at home with my partner. Complete shutdown.
Per my post on Monday, it’s not really clear to me how I’m feeling. Why I feel so much gratitude and 12 hours later I feel empty. Frustrated. Sad. Insecure. Nervous. Jealous. Like I want to cry, it’s right I there in my chest but nothing comes out.
Maybe that’s all I need. A good cry. I don’t know – I just know that some people say that faith and fear can’t live together. But I’m not sure if that’s necessarily true. I’m not sure if that’s really human.
I have faith, I have leaned into having faith. I continually ask for my fear to be removed, but that doesn’t happen overnight. So, in the meantime, faith and fear are living together. Battling over who is stronger (faith always wins BTW) but to try and force myself into only having faith only makes the fear stronger.
This emotional shut down I am feeling will pass, I know that because I have faith in my Higher Power.
So, maybe the point for today very simply is – Let’s not beat ourselves up if we are grateful and sad at the time. If we are happy and frustrated at the same time. If we are faithful and scared at the same time. Because we are human, we are alcoholics – no one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
XX
Jane
Jane, you've got this. 😘