A Feeling vs an Act
This Week on Diary of a Sober Girl
I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful I got to spend time with my dad and my family this weekend. I’m grateful for new books, for having the windows open despite the rain, for my sponsor and all of the love in my life. I’m grateful for opportunities to connect, I am grateful that I got to know and love and say goodbye to Clem, I am grateful that every day is a new day to do something different.
Morning my friends! Hope everyone had a nice weekend & a happy Father’s Day to all of the regular dads, dog dad, cat dats, grandads etc., out there (;Â
Today’s gotta be a quick one because well…I slept through my alarm and now I’m kind of panicking. I’ve been doing that again lately and while many will say and even I can acknowledge that my body clearly needs the sleep, it’s still frustrating and sets me back in my little routine. Which leads me to my grander point today, of letting go.Â
I’ve written about letting go a few times here but I think it’s finally hitting me that I won’t ever get that ‘old normal’ I’ve been looking for because too many things have changed. And that’s okay a lot of really GOOD things have changed but let’s cut the the chase here, I’ve been trying to get back to this version of myself who makes meetings at my home group every single day multiple times a day and I beat myself up when I can’t do it and that is a cycle I have to let go of.
 When I first got sober I worked a job that I hated. I wanted every single day to leave that job. I thought about working in recovery, going back to school, I applied and applied and applied and nothing worked out at the time because God was really taking care of the no big changes in your first year thing. So I strolled into work at 11 and I left and 4 and I had nothing but time on my hands. I went to SO many meetings, I made my whole life about recovery. I would 12th step the models at work and I would make meetings in the office and everything was perfect except for the fact that I absolutely loathed doing what paid the bills.Â
Finally I got another job 7 inevitably that wasn’t the job for me either but the point is, I got a new job, we got a new apartment, we got a dog, I got a NEW job (that is totally & completely perfect for me), we got attacked, we moved again and that ‘old normal’ of 3 years ago simply does not exist anymore.Â
AA is still the center of my life but I also love to work. I love my job and the people I work with. I love spending time with my sober friends , my family and my dog who survived. I can’t always make the 6:15 meeting anymore and that makes me really sad. But that is okay. There are 51 other meetings I can go to there and there are plenty of meetings I can go to here.Â
I have to let go of the expectation that everything will go back to a normal that isn’t achievable anymore for the best possible reasons. One of my dearest friends has said to me before that when you get sober the rooms and your light are small because the rooms are EVERYTHING & there is nothing to lose. But then you get time and your light and your life gets big and you have to figure out a way to make the rooms big too (this is not exactly how she said it pretty much at all & I’m mostly summarizing how it currently resonates with me..sorry girl).Â
So today I am making the rooms big by letting go of old expectations and if you are new and you have no idea what I am talking about because being told to let go 1000 times is so annoying (how on earth does one let go) today I can tell you that to ME, letting go is more of a feeling vs an act. Â
And if none of this makes any sense at all…I’m sure there will be another letting go post in another few months (;Â
xx Â
Jane