I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a sunny morning, a lovely night with Timmy last night, seeing my parents this weekend and for reading with a sponsee tonight. I’m grateful for good music, for a little extra sleep, for coffee, for being able to communicate honestly and for my happy plants.
A funk has descended upon me and I don’t know why. When this happens I have a tendency to tear apart my life and/or sobriety to try and figure out what’s wrong. So here’s a little list:
Timmy and I had a lovely Valentine’s Day yesterday so that’s not it (Valentine’s Day fyi for anyone who may the reminder post heart day - is incredibly overrated. Don’t get me wrong our little tradition is SO important to me but we also like to go out to dinner just the two of us at least once a month because we love each other every day of the year not just on Feb 14th)
I attended my first ever New York fashion week, got to meet my boss in person who is just the most amazing human being. and had an incredibly wonderful event so that’s not it. (I did however have one fleeting moment at dinner where the devil definitely came out. I don’t know how else to explain it other then for just a few seconds it was like my brain totally fogged over and the thought “what would happen if I just had one glass?” Everything bad is what would happen, and just as quickly as it came, the brain fog left. But what a friendly reminder of “We have a disease that tells us we don’t have a disease.”)
I worked late last night, not because I had to but because my creative juices were flowing and I was feeling really proud and confident and at ease in the work I was doing. To have a job I genuinely enjoy participating in is a blessing so that’s not it.
I’m going to visit my parents over the weekend so that’s not it.
We have a long weekend this weekend so that’s not it.
I’m reading a book that has torn my heart from my chest, thrown it on the ground and stomped on it…so that could be it.
I’m still not over the oneee situation that always seems to pop up, I’m feeling angry hurt sad disappointed. My part is that I’m letting it consume me. That definitely could be it.
I was asked to speak at one of my old home groups over the weekend which I’m looking forward to, so that’s not it.
My sponsees are doing well, my sponsor is doing well, my boyfriend and my family are doing well. So that’s not it.
Perhaps the point is less about what it is, and more about that it’s happening and it will pass. Every single human experiences human emotions and sometimes there’s no holy spiritual existential reason behind it. It just is what it is, life on life’s terms, it will be okay.
The point is not to dwell on it, sit in, not to “push through it” but maybe just to feel it and continue carrying on. Because just as fleeting as that thought I had at dinner was, this will pass just as quickly.
Actually guys…it’s 11:35pm still on Valentine’s Day that I’m writing this so maybe by the time I hit publish tomorrow it will have already passed. But I think it’s important to talk about our every day not so pretty and exciting moments. Because they are normal, everyone has them and getting through those moments sober is the most powerful thing we can do.
xx
Jane
P.S. It’s now 10:18am and the funk seems to have pasted. I haven’t had coffee yet to really be able to tell so we shall see (;
Sending love, Jane. I get like this a lot - I call it my 'sighy fug'! Sounds like things are going great, though. Thank you for the reminder that things will pass. xxx