I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for my sponsor, for books and needlepoint. I’m grateful for making amends, for friends who make me feel safe, for a strong sober community. I’m grateful for the feeling of peace, for coffee, good music and one more day on the beach.
Good morning my friends!
Coming at yah live still from the Jersey Shore :) As always, I hope everyone has been enjoying the week and is getting ready for a hopefully restful weekend. I personally am having those “vacation is coming to an end” blues and am not feeling ready to face the real world again…
I did take the opportunity however, while we are down here to make amends both to myself and to my grandfather. I grew up down here on the shore and the beach, the sand, the lifeguard stands, the jedi, the boardwalk, the waves, the salty smell, the tides coming in and out, it all makes me feel safe and at home. I love New York but I am so grateful to be from such a beautiful place and have memories here that expand way past just the summertime.
In feeling so connected to this place, I took the opportunity to make an amends, and let it go in the ocean. To feel my amends, get pulled out into the tide, far beyond what I can see and just let it all go. I apologized to myself for all of the times I invalidated myself, called myself crazy, didn’t listen to myself, put myself into dangerous situations. All of the times I suppressed how I was feeling, sacrificed the parts of myself that I loved, all of the times I betrayed my own trust.
I apologized to my grandfather for the relationship we didn’t have, for not going to his funeral, for judging him and his disease, for manipulating his story to serve me, for asking him for so much now, and not being there for him then.
And then I let it go. I collected some seashells and watched the waves and the sun set. And I feel a little lighter today. Especially when it comes to myself. With my grandfather I don’t think all of the guilt is gone, but a part of it has lifted. My sponsor and I have talked about when people are no longer here on earth, and they go wherever they are today, they become the highest version of themselves. So, I know he forgives me, I know he’s proud and had a hand in getting me sober. I just miss him, and I so desperately sometimes, wish I could’ve had five more minutes with him here.
But for today, I’ll feel him with me in the breeze, see him in the birds soaring above me, know he’s in every wave that crashes and be kinder and softer with myself. And soak up every last ray of sun I can before our return to the world.
Xx
Jane
Thanks for sharing. You even have a lighter “feel” to your writing...praying for you on this Journey. 🙏