A Peaceful Walk

I'm grateful for a peaceful start to the week. I'm grateful for a run where my legs were still sore from Monday's race, but I felt fulfilled completing my regular distance at a deliberate pace. I'm grateful for enjoying Andor's Second Season and reflecting on the various themes, especially as it pertains to our current world. I'm grateful for Harper continuing to smell divine thanks to his new shampoo. I'm grateful for engaging in a slew of positive next right actions to change the momentum of my day. I'm grateful for the sponsee proactively reaching out just because. I'm grateful for our conversation reminding me of the importance of discipline, routines, and avoiding traps set by our defects. I'm grateful for the pleasure I get from regularly updating/optimizing our home in ways that make life much more comfortable and cozy. I'm grateful for cleaning serving as meditative tool for me. I'm grateful honesty is something I strive for regularly nowadays even when nobody's watching. I'm grateful that cooking more at home has helped me save money and eat a little healthier. I'm grateful when a book is so enjoyable that I want to slow my consumption of it so I can spend more time in the author's world.

I was in NYC for a few days last week. Primarily to see Beyoncé on her Cowboy Carter tour (it was incredibly uplifting), but also to check-in with my parents. As time in sobriety increases my once difficult relationship with them seems to keep improving.

My mom and I went on a nice walk together on Saturday - an activity we haven't done in I don't know how long - and had a lovely conversation. It was mostly her sharing health updates of various extended family members, how office work is going, and the changes happening in her Queens neighborhood. I found myself actively staying quiet while only intermittently interjecting with questions in order to better understand. There were statements from her I didn't agree with or wanted to provide commentary on, but mostly I listened. I didn't need to make the conversation about me. I didn't need to prod her on why she still insists on not meeting my fiancée. I didn't need to ask whether she'll ever come around to accepting my sexuality. I didn't need to tell her to lay off my dad and give him more freedoms post-stroke. I didn't need to dictate my opinion on her needing to get a smaller car once her lease expires to make driving easier. I remained dutifully quiet because that is what she needed from me. Our walk wasn't about personal grievances or fiery opinons. It was about my mom trusting me enough again to talk freely about her life. It was an opportunity for us to reconnect in ways we used to when I was a kid, without all the baggage that I now bring with me as an adult.

In sobriety I've learnt to be of service - to other alcoholics, to the larger community. My parents are certainly a crucial part of my community. Before our walk I tapped into that service mindset by recalling lessons I've accrued over the past few years in AA to ensure our little excursion would be absent of tension. I knew that I don't have the power to change them, especially in their 70s. I knew I should meet them where they are, not where I want them to be. I knew not every conversation we have has to be about solving our problems. I knew to keep my side of the street clean, which meant being honest without being hurtful. I knew to put our walk into context - there are only a finite number of times where we will be able to do this so it’s best to be jovial. I knew I wanted to put my mom's mind at ease that Denver life is still going well (which it is). I knew to abstain from causing drama by being unnecessarily antagonistic or defensive, instead putting myself in her shoes first. I knew my mom has enough going on with her siblings who are in poor health and she, as their primary caregiver, doesn't need me dropping ill-conceived "truth bombs". I knew despite our differences I still have a lot of respect and love for my mother and wanted to show her that.

All these seemingly "basic" sounding conclusions have honestly been very hard for me to arrive at in adulthood. For years I did a bang up job, with vodka's assistance, of dismissing my parents because we have such diverging viewpoints. Now, thanks to learnings accrued in sobriety, I can see them as real people, not just family, and treat them with the compassion they've always deserved. I have the choice to let go of past wrongdoings. I have the choice to move on from whatever perceived or real injustices. Since I am finally at peace with my present condition, I have clarity to engage with them in ways that promote harmony and healing. Life is perfectly imperfect as we often say in the rooms. That certainly remains true even with no alcohol in my system. However today I not only chose to remain sober, but I also chose to be a better son who knows how to maturely interact with family that once felt like a fading memory.