I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a slow weekend, for vacation so soon, for my sponsor, for my friends and for my family. I’m grateful to work from home, that I live in NYC where meetings are everywhere all of the time. I’m grateful for Timmy’s birthday soon and my dad’s and my mom’s. I’m grateful for opportunities to grow. I’m grateful that I have this space. I’m grateful that I have AA and the work and fellows and for all of the things that keep me sober.
Morning my friends! Hope everyone had a lovely weekend as always and I swear I have a legitimate excuse for missing last week this time….I had jury duty of all things 😮💨
My first time jury dutying might I add and I was assured by Tim there was nooo way I was actually going to get called, I’d just have to show up for the day and then I’d get to go home. Well let me roll this back a bit, I have gotten out of jury duty a number of times mostly because the very first time I got summoned I was technically still living in New Jersey. Then I got summoned and I think I got out of it due to school?? Thennnn I got summoned in New Jersey (possibly twice?) but by then I was fully living in New York. Then I got summoned this time and it was clear that my time had come, I must pursue my civic duty.
I assure you I was not living my true crime best life. I felt like I was in the Hunger Games as they were calling names (unfortunately no one can volunteer as tribute for you during jury duty) andddd to make a long story short I kinda blacked out in the court room as the judge swore us in. So to my earlier point, I did not just get to go home. It was a little emotional potentially being a juror when I still have a lot of unprocessed feelings about all that had transpired over the past year. But eventually I did get to go home, I never had to plead my case to an attorney and I never had to come to a verdict. 9am to about 3:30pm of intense waves of emotions and I’m here to tell you folks, I’m almost 4 years sober but far far far from emotional sobriety.
Which brings me to my next thought (I have a few today), I was at a meeting recently where someone was talking about “keep it simple” and “easy does it”. I don’t think I’ve kept it simple or easy done it a day in my life. I have aspired to do that many times, you all can attest to that, but I truly cannot think of a time I opted for “simple” or “easy”. I frequently stand in my own way, I often make it complicated, most likely I’m over doing it. I’m not sure if or when I will stop being that way. And I don’t really have an end thought to that. Maybe just a nice little reminder to myself that not everything has to be made so damn complicated between my ears.
That said, I am feeling so very burned out. I did that thing I was reminded over and over again not to do where I burned the candle from all ends (I’m aware a candle only really has two ends, the whole thing was just on fire). But we are going to Disney again in two weeks and I’m sooooo ready for that vacation. Sorry guys I will definitely be taking a hiatus that week but I’m giving advanced warning this time! Anyway in preparation for our not so spooky October Disney trip we watched the newest Haunted Mansion movie which of course is haunted but every now and then they talk about little ghost winks. Now listen, I’m not going to start talking about ghosts — call it whatever you want, some of us call them God shots, some call them coincidence — whatever you see them as that’s fine. But as I’ve been going through the steps again I have realized that at this point in my sobriety I don’t have a specific way to describe my higher power anymore. I know it’s way bigger than me. I know that it’s there even when I’m refusing to pay attention. I don’t know if it has a color, or if it’s in the sunsets, or any of those things but I know that it’s there and I have to believe that. And I believe that sometimes it winks at me. I KNOW my Peepa winks at me, and HP does too I just have to pay attention.
To conclude this long post, this is the most I’ve written in a while, whew, I did something that I guess broke my anonymity is the best way to explain it. And that’s okay you all know I’m pretty (very) loose with my anonymity but for whatever reason this one made me feel ashamed. 99.999% of the time I’m proud to be an alcoholic. We live in this totally unique way that’s really beautiful if you let it be. We get to be a hand for newcomers and we get to have this crazy community where you can turn to people no questions asked and anytime. But every once in a while man…I do still feel that shame. Maybe I’m doing (I’m definitely doing it) that thing where I assume people are thinking something that they are not, but I assume it because I believe it myself. And that’s something I need to work on but I guess I just want to say that I do still feel ashamed sometimes and that’s okay. It happens, it is what it is. I’m not ashamed of the life I live now, not at all. But I guess of the way I used to be and how I am NEVER too far from that happening again if I’m not careful. I might be starting to go around in a circle here but my point is, even though I can feel like that sometimes, I am so fucking grateful to be sober. And I hope anyone who is reading and can sometimes feel that way too, I hope I can remind you that sobriety is a really fucking beautiful thing no matter what brought you here.
So, sorry again. If you made it this far thanks for listening to me blab. I was going to say one more thing but maybe I’ll just save it for next week (;
xx
Jane