Action Absorbs Anxiety

I'm grateful for taking time to be outside - whether it's running or walking - as it goes a long way towards increasing my serenity. I'm grateful for a partner with whom I can talk to about anything. I'm grateful that feeling sad no longer translates to automatically picking up, but rather honestly reflecting, doing the next right thing, and repeating helpful mantras like "one day at a time". I'm grateful for the delicious ramen place where we had takeout. I'm grateful for the first snow of the season draping our neighborhood so beautifully. I'm grateful to be present for all the ups and downs in my life. I'm grateful to be sober.

I'm writing this post at the ungodly hour of 5am my time here in Denver. We actually got our first snow of the season. As I look out the window onto the street it's quite peaceful. The previously bare branches appear so fluffy and soft, the parked cars look like they're hibernating, and I'm inside our toasty little home sitting in my favorite red armchair.

There is a lot happening in the world and in my own life, but here in what I call "My Little Nook" life feels serene. I can genuinely say I am content with where I am right now. I have my health, I have built a loving little family, I have a roof over my head, I have a car that gets me easily from Point A to Point B, I have sufficient financial resources that keep me going, and I have coffee by my side in my favorite cup.

A few years back any feelings of anxiety, fear, or sadness would immediately push me to a drink. In fact even before those feelings could overwhelm me, I would preempt them by chugging directly from the Tito's bottle. To every problem the instinct was never to think, or analyze, or reflect, it was simply to drink, drink, drink. When I did that I could at least black out for several hours to whisk me away from consciousness.

I am really proud of myself that the above is miraculously not my go-to move. I can't quite pinpoint the moment where it shifted from needing vodka on my nightstand to taking more productive steps. It has undoubtedly been a process. I think I can summarize it in part by what someone shared at a meeting recently: Action absorbs anxiety. Not simply any action of course, but the right action.

In my early AA days it was doing a frenetic number of things just to stay away from the liquor store. The bombardment of advice from fellows was actually very much welcome. I was in some ways relearning how to walk because my constructive impulses were totally shot. It was chaotic as I was concurrently cleansing my body and mind. Personally, I needed the onslaught of external advice to shock my system into course correcting for the better.

Over time I've been able to filter that advice and begin codifying the set of recurring actions that promote inner peace. None of them are terribly radical in nature (physical activity, reframing exercises, meetings, gratitude lists, quiet reflection, etc.), however the key for me is to practice them often. If I start faltering on any that is when my serenity subsides. And if an action isn't having the same impact it used to, I adopt another one to ensure I keep the rotation fresh and impactful. As I write this post it puts me at ease to acknowledge that I not only have zero desire to drink, but I also know I'll soon be needing to incorporate new actions into my routine to sustain my serenity. That journey of incorporation gives me excitement, it gives me hope. I'll be sifting through the Rolodex of my mind to understand how I can expand upon my regular actions, which will undoubtedly deepen my emotional sobriety. The fact that I can meet this challenge head on is truly invigorating.