I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for the wonderful sponsor I have, for a morning routine, and for the smell of coffee brewing. I’m grateful for time outside, for our home and for celebrating a friend. I’m grateful for my plants, our home, and the gifts of sobriety.
Good morning my friends and happy Thursday :)
As per usual, I hope everyone has been enjoying the week and has some fun weekend pans ahead including some relaxation!
For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling like my posts here have been super negative and while it is important to me to remind others that we are not alone, the feelings we have aren’t unique and together, we can get through anything – I also don’t want to be a drag.
Now with that said, I’ve been reading this really great book. I’m very particular about my morning routine these days which includes, getting up and going outside to pray and journal. No coffee until at least an hour after I wake up or else my hear will feel like it’s going to explode. So, post prayer and journaling I make some coffee and head back outside for pages 86-88 in the Big Book and at least one chapter of this book I’ve been reading. To wrap it all up – four minutes of meditation.
Yesterday morning I was reading my one chapter and was knocked on my ass. The author was talking about a few things that I’m going to rapid fire off to you:
Negative emotions are meant to show us how we are mis-navigating, misunderstanding, or being controlled by past experiences or fear.
We can use our heart as the map, and our mind as the compass – our heart will tell you “What” and the mind will tell you “How”.
Wherever there is a problem in my life, there is a problem with how I’m thinking, reacting, or responding.
All these things I have absolutely heard before in one way or another, but sometimes we don’t really hear them until we are ready. And yesterday I guess I was ready to really understand “we came for our drinking and stayed for our thinking”.
My mom when my sister and I were little would always say to us “If it doesn’t feel right in your heart and in your head don’t do it”. Well, my biggest problem in life is sometimes my heart feels x and my head thinks y. It’s dawning on me that maybe they were never meant to feel in unison, my heart is full of emotion and my head is full of logic – my heart or my gut whatever you want to call it, leads me to a place as the map and logic will take over as the compass.
And lastly, all the negative emotions I can’t seem to shake, all of the steps I take to try and change them may not be working because I haven’t changed the true source of the emotions. I have been controlled by past experiences ang give up too quickly on the future because it’s too uncomfortable for too long and I feel safe in what I know. But I’ve been misunderstanding all this time – maybe I’ve always understood but I’ve just been at the mercy of the past.
But today, I am choosing to be in love with my life in the present and in love with the idea of being uncomfortable because I know that actually means I’m growing. Despite all the craziness that goes on in my head, I have been graced with willingness and hope.
I’ve mentioned this before but year two is not easy and I wish I was prepped for that. Year one is all about staying away from the drink and that’s certainly not easy either – year two just becomes how to figure out what the fuck is going on with your emotions – but on the other side of that there is a lot of beauty. I may not know what it looks like yet, but I know it’s there, I know HP has a life in store for me much bigger than I could ever imagine. And the only thing I have to do is not drink and trust, listen to myself and one day I will get there.
I’ll report back on this one day ;)
Xx
Jane
You are doing it and HP is there with you-not to mention some readers that “at least” understand what you’re saying and going through. I’ll be 🙏 for you...
Another great post, thank you. Loved this part:
“But today, I am choosing to be in love with my life in the present and in love with the idea of being uncomfortable because I know that actually means I’m growing.”
🙌
I’d love to know which book you’re reading. Would you mind sharing that info? 😘