I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a slow weekend, for the friends who are always here, for seeing my sponsees grow and for conversations with my sponsor. I’m grateful for the smell of coffee brewing, for prayer and meditation in the morning, for a rainy day and comfy sweatshirts.
Good morning my friends :)
Happy Monday! I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend, was able to relax even if it was only for a little, and that we’re all feeling recharged to face the week ahead.
Last Monday, I talked about choosing and changing and a brief mention of procrastination…we’ll the latter is still something I have yet to shake. I am procrastinating my ass off and there’s always a justified reason why. I worked a lot and I need to rest over the weekend, I am burned out and I need to recharge, it’s too late, my morning routine is already full, I just don’t have the time.
Well ladies and gentlemen, all those justification for me are bullshit. I make lists of ways to be more productive and feel like those lists were productive enough and then don’t really have any follow through.
My character defect, my liability, whatever you choose to call it, is fear and it’s manifesting as procrastination. I’m afraid of being uncomfortable, I’m afraid of the unknown and not feeling secure. So I logically know that if I just start doing xyz I can make some changes, but I am fearful so I ultimately choose to not do xyz. Whether it’s subconscious or not, I am being dictated by my fear. They say that the life HP has in store for you is so much better than the one you imagine for yourself. And I believe that that’s true but how do I push past so much fear.
Give it to God, push through the comfortability, not over or around it. Find a new comfort zone past the one I have been used to. And really having faith. I heard someone say in a meeting the other day that you can pray for your future self…adding that to the to do list.
I just know I don’t want to feel like this anymore, stuck. I don’t want to talk about feeling like this anymore. I want to find the solution and unblock myself from the true power of this program.
It’s self will run completely riot and it takes a little while before I can see just how long I’ve let it run riot for. I think overall I look at it as these giant leaps and bounds I need to take, and it really can start small. Turning my will over at work, stop trying to force what I want to have happen, and just let what’s going to happen, happen.
It always starts small and then snowballs out from there, I guess I just have to get the ball rolling… faith without works is dead, maybe that’s the mantra for the week this week ;)
Xx
Jane