I am so grateful to be sober today. I am grateful for my sponsor, my sponsees, my program and willingness to change. I am grateful for my family, for Timmy helping me when I don’t feel well, for a clean apartment, for good music and books. I’m grateful for a fresh week and clarity.
Gooood morning my friends (: Happy Monday and I hope everyone had a lovely weekend!
In a surprise turn of events, Friday I had off from work and ended up spending the whole day sleeping because I have fallen under the weather.
I feel like shit to be super specific. I talked to my sponsor yesterday about how mentally I am exhausted, physically I am not literally sick and spiritually, I honestly feel a little bankrupt.
So, back to the basics for me. Those first set of tools you learn in your first 90 days & keep with you forever. Calling my sponsor every day not every other day like I tried to negotiate. Calling three women who I don’t regularly talk to, journaling, hunkering down with prayer and mediation.
All of the things, but not all at once. When I try to do everything at the same time I overwhelm myself and burn out. There’s a full fourth step I need to do, a resentment I really need to write out and pray on and ask for help with. A resentment that consumes me and comes out here completely self righteous.
One last little word vomit though & then I promise I’ll work it out. I think awareness is one of the most powerful tool. I think I have felt this bankruptcy coming for a while and it’s just at a head but I am aware of it and willing to change.
I will hold myself accountable for the way I have ben feeling and how it may have affected others. But I will not make excuses. I will not let myself off the hook and I will not deflect because I refuse to look inward and make changes.
I will not pretend “directness” isn’t a mask for being hurtful. I will not pretend “aggression” is honesty. There is a way to be honest and direct without tearing down those around you. I can accept people for exactly who they are but I will no longer let myself be hurt when I have been shown time and time again what the truth is.
So, the biggest basic of them all that I need to practice is acceptance. Acceptance that I cannot change everything, acceptance of what the situation is, acceptance of what I am feeling and why.
And from there, I can really start to make the changes I need to….along with all the other things too… (;
xx
Jane
Jane, truly inspiring post. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, sometimes your insight just blows me away. You’ve inspired and motivated me to “get back to basics” too. I love when my daughter is wiser than her mom. ;)