Been a While

This Week on Diary of a Sober Girl

---

I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for the support of my family, Timmy and my friends. I’m grateful for Christmas lights, only 5 more working days, for AA and doing service. I’m grateful for my sponsor, for my pup, for coffee and writing and rainy days that end up being pretty cozy.

---

Goooood morning my friends! As always, I hope everyone had a nice weekend for those who celebrate Christmas…that you’re gearing up for a holly jolly holiday ahead.

I received some pretty shitty and unclear news on Friday at 5:45 pm roughly 10 days before Christmas and have been feeling a lot of things these past few days.

Friday night I cried, Saturday I was full of motivation, Sunday I was angry, today I feel a bit defeated.

But I think in a way God is doing for me what I can’t do for myself. God is reminding me that I have so many people in my corner. God is reminding me that just because someone says x about you, that doesn’t mean it’s true. I honestly think HP is reminding me how to turn it over.

I don’t always think it’s fair to lean on HP exclusively when you’re in pain. It’s easy for me to be like ‘oh yes well HP is always there but I got this for now’ when things are relatively okay and then to fully turn into HP when things are not okay. But I think in this moment it is pretty clear that the signs have been there all along. Or at least in the last 6 months. In my body, in the back of my mind and all of that has always been HP.

So, a good friend of mine told me it’s all about how you recover now. And so here to all of you guys I will say that I am pissed off, that I am sad and that I am scared. That I feel utterly defeated. That I also feel for the first time in a really long time that I will not let someone else say I am incapable when I in fact am. I will take accountability when appropriate, but I will not eat shit for someone else anymore. I have a plan, and I have faced scarier things. And for the first time in a really long time I genuinely do believe that everything will be okay.

Outwardly to the rest of the world, I’m doing just fine. The boat is not rocking, my head is held high, and I will proceed as regularly scheduled until the above said plan gets worked out and then I will carry on with dignity and grace.

And again, for the first time in a really long time I genuinely feel that I do not have to do any of this alone. So perhaps the silver lining of this one thing that causes so many other feelings, is that I feel reconnected again. To myself, to my higher power. I don’t feel alone and that’s all I’ve wanted for a really long time.

Xx

Jane