I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for conversations with my sponsor and my sponsee. I’m grateful for moments of clarity, for all the tools this program has given me. For connections, coffee, and slowly getting back into mediation. For our balcony, our home, my books, and my needlepoint.
Good morning my friends!
I hope (as always) everyone has been having a wonderful week and that we are all excited for the weekend ahead :)
So, on Monday as you know, I wrote about wanting to be more present. And I meant every single word. After I wrote and was walking to the subway, I realized I forgot multiple important things at home, Timmy had the only set of keys, so I had to turn around, break into the building (not literally the super graciously let me back in) and then head back out in the same direction I just came from back to the subway.
Then I lost two clients in 24 hours, I am feeling very unfulfilled, super financially insecure, I spilled water all of the apartment this morning trying to take my stupid probiotic, my laptop was dead when I first sat down to write, my desktop at work lately has been taking 394877324 years to load anything, I am feeling connected to HP but feel like my Peepa is just MIA, my anxiety has been alive and thriving and I have been spending a lot of time in the future.
Good thing I wrote about being present all of three days ago…. but then I thought about the daily reflection someone sent to me earlier this morning. When we are down, when everything seems to be going wrong for us, that’s when we probably notice that for some time our attention has been on ourselves…. helping others is a way to help ourselves….I will remember that happiness may be found in getting out of myself.
On Monday, when I was pissed at the world about my journey back home and then back to the subway – someone who has really been struggling with sobriety reached out and I was able to spend most of the day helping them. I JUST was telling my sponsee that it’s easy to think we have control over the future, but we really don’t, only HP knows what our grander plan is and we can try to control all we want but it only leads back to the same place. That we can turn the same thing over to HP many times each day.
What fulfills me is helping other people. How can I be of service to someone else today? Losing two clients, it’s all so trivial. I don’t want to be in the same position next year, where Timmy and I just aren’t able to move, but at least we can look back and say we’ve been able to do some traveling together this year (we are going to Las Vegas for my dad’s 50th birthday in October!).
Perhaps I should be a little more careful with open bottles of water in the morning and maybe, I should be a little more grateful for all of the things I do have. I have a job that pays the bills, I have a laptop that works, I have family and a secure relationship, I have the means to pay for airplane tickets across the country, where I’m going to get water and food from is never a thought it’s always a given. My Peepa, he’s around, I’ve just been a little lost in self lately.
And at the very end of the day, above all else, I am a sober woman of dignity, and I can reach out and be there for others and that is where happiness is for me.
So today I’m going to revisit the being present thing, and not cry over some spilt water ;)
Xx
Jane
Dignity, integrity. Be above all your circumstances. We are bigger than these ❤️
My newest sponsee celebrated 30 days today. Took me out of my shit and put me squarely back in the moment 🙏