Big Little Actions

I’m grateful for sleeping in fluffy sheets that just came out of the laundry. I’m grateful for revisiting an old running route I used to do when I was visiting Denver a few years back. I’m grateful for how delicious vegan nuggets are. I’m grateful to still be thinking about the newcomers who shared at their first ever meeting, reminding me how much courage it takes to show up and ask for help. I’m grateful my dog’s cough has mitigated and doesn’t seem to be serious. I’m grateful for how much sun we've been getting and how that lifts my spirits. I'm grateful for my health. I'm grateful for a day without driving. I'm grateful for my parents coming to visit me for the first time in my new city soon and how I don't feel the need to act out because of it. I'm grateful to have a healthier relationship with family and live in a space of acceptance. I'm grateful to be learning constantly in AA and letting the wisdom of others help me grow.

I've been watching a lot of videos about the universe of late - How it came to be? What's happening as it expands? Where will our planet be in the future? It's all very mind bendy thinking about how we as a species are in such a unique place launching people and satellites up into the skies. Whereas for the most part our existence was tethered to this planet, we are now pushing to see what's at the outer bounds.

I bring this up because I'm thinking about my place in the world, my reason for existence. I don't necessarily prescribe to any religious ideology, which usually tangibly defines such philosophical questions. Thanks to AA though, I do believe in forces greater than me. How can I not? I feel these 80 mph winds swooping through Denver over the past few days and I can't help but feel small and easily susceptible to the whims of nature. However do I believe these forces greater than me care about my actions or are trying to influence them? Maybe...or maybe not. AA Step work has been helpful around grappling with these nebulous concepts and finding meaning.

Looking up at the skies I am in complete awe of its majesty, but that immense tableau is created by the tiniest little atoms and quarks - the building blocks of everything. Those invisible particles are the most important pieces of the tableau for without their collective microscopic existence our beautiful skies would be pitch black and silent. I try to use this understanding and apply it to my own life to find significance.

I have absolutely no idea what my purpose or place is on this planet, but I do know what makes me feel happy, joyous, and free. It comes down to investing daily in the small, comforting traditions of my life: running, going to meetings, speaking with other alcoholics, writing my Daily Gratitude Lists and these weekly TFLMS pieces, walking my dog in the park, hanging out with my partner, decorating my humble home to make it ooze with coziness, taking in the majesty of the Rocky Mountains at different times of the day, etc. My attention to these minute practices keeps my little sober bubble serene while also permeable enough to new practices that could lift me up.

I can let my mind be lost in the Forest thinking "f*** everything, what's the point?" or I can focus on the Trees and embrace my quirky little routines that bring me peace amidst the uncertainty. Investing in these details of my life that promote my sobriety and thereby my spiritual backbone ensures the people I interact with feel that calm energy and (hopefully) pass it along. Who knows how large the cumulative effect will be if anything, but that is not for me to try to control or comprehend. It's simply something for me to acknowledge and let whatever happens...happen.

The atoms and quarks that form these faraway galaxies are also responsible for my existence. They are inside me. Acknowledging this throughline lets me believe that because I was made by my surroundings I am also a part of its grander scheme, in whatever trivial way, and therefore I matter. My actions matter. Such musings, which never crossed my mind prior to AA, are a part of the spiritual work I do around Steps 3, 7, and 11. Thinking about my Higher Power, exploring my relationship with it, and appreciating the significance of seemingly insignificant moments brings me peace and comfort these days.

A fellow at a meeting last week spoke about strength in stillness. They felt the chaos of their environment was getting too much and so they went out into nature to sit quietly and listen. I thought about how little I've done that of late. My AirPods are a constant companion wherever I go. So the next day I decided on my walk to Cheeseman Park to sit under a tree that looks directly at Mount Blue Sky (pictured at the top of this post) with nothing in my ears. I sat there listening to the traffic, the wind, the other people around me. Eventually I just stared at the mountain straight ahead and began thinking how many humans long before me saw this same peak. From the early Indigenous tribes to American settlers later on and now me. This kid whose parents are from the other side of the world and whose country of origin only gained independence in 1947. It humbled me greatly to think about how many tiny decisions and unknowable events outside my control have happened to get to a place where I sit under this tree and stare at this snowy peak with as much stillness as I can rummage up. Meditating on these ideas did indeed make me feel strong. It made me feel secure in my own insignificant little way with where my life is today. Embracing all the things that have occurred in my past to get me here and allow me to live in this moment, under this tree, gazing at this mountain range that will outlive me. In that instance I felt connected and humbled by the grandness of everything around me. All it took was the small action of walking a few minutes from my home to this spot and sitting quietly.