Camping

I'm grateful for a meeting where we discussed honesty, open mindedness, and willingness. I’m grateful to have the ability to service my car and pay for other odds and ends that life brings my way. I’m grateful for feeling a sense of ease throughout the day even when things could appear to be overwhelming. I’m grateful for the gift of patience in sobriety, knowing I need to let things happen in their own time and not my timeline. I’m grateful for all the kind and generous people in my life. I’m grateful I am no longer an angry and aggressive driver like I used to be during my drinking days. I’m grateful for all the meetings that are within walking distance of our home. I’m grateful for people coming back to fight for their sobriety. I’m grateful for all the honesty fellows showcase in these rooms and how positively that honesty is embraced by others. I’m grateful that my running routine has continued despite the summer heat. I’m grateful our plants are flourishing - including my own air plants that have survived from NYC.

I did something this past weekend I haven't done sober since childhood. I went camping. It was in a beautiful area of Colorado called Buena Vista where you can see some truly epic 14ers. Some of these peaks are in the picture above. For the week leading up to the trip I was debating whether to go because it would be with a bunch of LGBTQ sober folk I didn't know well and I had to get some additional gear I didn't own. Basically I was trying to gather impediments in my mind to pull me back from pushing myself outside my comfort zone.

But I realized I wanted (and needed) the challenge. I occasionally will complain I don't have a community here in Denver yet. Mind you it has only been a few months since our move and building relationships takes time. Also if I'm going to complain and not do anything about it then what am I doing here except reveling in misery?

A big part of my sober journey has been encouraging myself to try new things. For the most part these aren't even unpleasant. I recently picked up tennis and it has been awesome. I've also been signing up for various 10k races around Colorado and that too is such a joyful activity. So when it came to deciding on camping I honestly was like, why not?. The universe placed a perfect opportunity at my feet to go with people who know what they're doing so I don't feel unsafe. I have a car that has proven to get me from Point A to Point B. I know exactly where to get the gear I need at affordable prices. My partner is more than willing to take care of the dog during my absence. These are multiple breaks in my favor encouraging me to go. Thankfully I'm able to see these breaks now because my mind isn't cluttered with alcoholic thinking. I don't see the bad as regularly or adopt the "woe is me" mentality. I assess new situations with a balanced mindset. After taking inventory of where I am at, I make the positive, healthy decisions for myself and those around me.

During the various social activities that weekend I made a point to get out of my head. Usually when I meet new people all at once I get a bit overwhelmed, especially as a devout introvert. But I halted those old intrusive thoughts around how people are assessing me or believing I'm other because I'm new to the group. Instead I proactively made conversation with everyone and remained engaged in the overall discourse. I found myself repeating the mantra "Sean, do the next right + contrary action" and it helped me maturely navigate this social setting.

The first morning out there I got up super early and went on a mini solo hike. I wanted to spend time listening to my mind sans headphones and quietly absorb the majestic landscape. While sitting at the top of a cliff formation a myriad of big thoughts began swirling in my head. I was proud of myself for how much I've changed for the better. I was happy to push myself in unfamiliar ways again and be pleased with the outcome. I also chuckled at how fleeting and tiny my thoughts are given my current setting. The stars last night that lit up the sky and the mountains towering above me this morning have outlived so many and will likely continue doing so for a long time. I used to spend incredible amounts of time and energy being fixated on superfluous matters. Seeing these sights reminded me how it all works out ultimately in ways I can never imagine. I need to let go, even more than I do now, and allow situations to unfold as they should without my puppeteering.

Such musings were incredibly foreign to me during my alcoholic days. I never reflected on the bigger picture. I never looked inward at what was going on in my head. My thoughts and actions were constantly focused on the negative, the self-pity talk. I was convinced that I was unique enough to never able to find a solution for my drinking. Any olive branch that was offered I swatted away because either I didn't deserve it or I didn't care enough to see it as an opportunity at all.

Given how bad my life used to be, I am amazed by my new outlook. AA has given me this. It hasn't done so by shoving prayers down my throat or asking me to memorize passages from the Big Book. It hasn't pushed me to follow any rules with the utmost precision or religiously adhere to certain traditions. The messaging has all been suggestive. It has been for me to take it or leave it. What I thankfully have had the ability to do is be willing enough and surrounded myself with a lot of good people who want to be better human beings every single day. I've heard their struggles and borrowed their courage to help get me out of my own tough scenarios. I've read the Big Book and been able to decipher the underlying wisdom it conveys on how to be a decent and joyous person. The fluidity of AA perfectly fits with the fluidity of my own existence.

I am lucky I got to go camping. Four years ago I was stuck in a tiny room in Brooklyn with the shades down, no possessions of my own, and pouring vodka down my throat. If my stomach couldn't keep it down I had milk by my side to "ease the digestion" of the booze. Insanity. Now with a sober, stable mind I can visit indescribably epic mountain ranges and meet amazing new people with fascinating stories. AA's simple suggestions on how to build a better life somehow got through this stubborn kid's skull. It gave me the courage to find ways to be my truest, happiest self. A self that hopes to go camping again soon. 🏕️