I am so grateful to be sober today. I am grateful for slow and peaceful mornings. I’m grateful for waking up early, for coffee, for starting mediation again and for meeting with my sponsor over the weekend. I am grateful for friends who make me feel safe, for my plants and for writing.
Good morning my friends :) I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and that we are all feeling recharged to face the week ahead!
I have been thinking a lot about the sayings “If we’re not growing, we’re dying” and “What you’re not changing your choosing”. I hold both of those close to my heart – the first reminding me that I am never going to stop growing. There will always be things to learn, ways to evolve. Especially with Step 11, my conception of my Higher Power is allowed to change, it should change overtime. As someone who doesn’t really do well with change, me even accepting that my HP, myself, my life will continue to look different is growth in itself.
The second saying I love because it hits me hard. The things I am not changing, I am choosing to keep the same. Even if they make me miserable, even if they keep me in a perpetual state of fear or anxiety. Even if I feel like I can’t change them, I am still choosing them.
Ever since we got back from vacation, I haven’t been able to shake this anxiety. I want the peace of the ocean back; I want that carefree vacation feeling back. I’ve been really judging myself again, I’ve been doing really good with staying consistent with an hour outside every morning for my all of my things. My writing, my reading, my journaling, praying and gratitude. And that feels nice but then I carry on with my day participating in things that don’t bring me joy, that perpetuate anxiety. So, do I find happiness in the things I don’t like or do I change them?
If I can’t find happiness in the things I don’t like, am I choosing to stay in my comfort zone even if my comfort zone is rapid heartbeat, fight or flighting through the day until I make it home and to a meeting where I feel safe again?
What about the things that hold me back from making changes – financial insecurity, flexibility that I may not find again, starting something new and risking it being a whole new level of anxiety.
I have a God sized hole that I am trying to fill with things that I can control. And that is not growth, that is a choice I am making. I want to keep growing, I don’t want to be dying. But I do have to start putting some action behind the things I’m choosing that I don’t want to be doing either. I can make lists, reflect, choose, choose again, lay the foundation, and then start to make changes.
Timmy and I had a great conversation over the weekend that tackled two things simultaneously – first and foremost that I am procrastinating mostly because I’m scared. But the longer I procrastinate the harder it will be to stop choosing and start changing. And secondly, we will be there for each other as we continue to grow individually. And that takes some of the fear away, I don’t have to do any of this alone. I have Timmy, my family, the rooms, this community.
At the end of the day, all of us here have each other. We have community here, community outside of here and choosing to change doesn’t have to be so scary. It can start small and grow and be faced together. None of this ever has to be done alone.
Xx
Jane
Staying sober to meet things as they are. Bare bones, as real as it gets, staying centered. ❤️