Clearing a Path

This Week on Diary of a Sober Girl

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I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful I got to spend time with family over the weekend, for seeing my friends, for a fresh week, and for working from home. I’m grateful for the cooler weather today, for a long walk in the park with the pup, and for feeling okay. I’m grateful that Tim cooks so I don’t have to (not that I would anyway). I’m grateful for the people in my life, and the honest sense of gratitude I am feeling.

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Hey friends (: Hope everyone had a lovely weekend! Sorry for coming at yah late tonight, Timmy is making dinner (I know I know we eat super late) and I finally have half a second to breathe (ish). 

We spent Saturday in the country this weekend, the country meaning New Jersey, and as always it was nice to have a little reset. Nice to see my family, see the dog run and run and run, see the stars and hear the crickets instead of sirens. And on the way back into the city for the first time in a long time I was reminded of how grateful I am to live in this chaotically wonderful city. But it is a longer term goal of mine to have a spot in to call home in both places, I’m always about the duplicity aren't I (;  

I’ve been thinking a lot, about a lot of things as always. One of which I can’t really talk about fully here mostly because this is a public space and it’s really none of my business. But it’s one of those things that hits you in a weird place. But I am okay and Tim is okay and my closest friends and family are all okay and that truly all that matters. I am sober today, I will wake up sober tomorrow and while I have certainly been all.over.the.place the last few months I am reminded too of what a gift it is to have this program, my friends in this program, my sponsor, a little time under my belt. To be growing up in this program, to have tools and a way of life that I honestly never wanted but am so grateful that I have. 

My mom said to me this weekend that my grandfather was the best of us and was never given that credit. But I don’t think he would have wanted it. I think he made a shit ton of mistakes and certainly hurt himself and other people but he got sober and he got better and he didn’t need people to shout that from the rooftops for him. He just kept moving, helped other people, and stayed sober until the day he died. 

I saw a post on Pinterest the other day (because when I’m avoiding doing the work of course I seek inspiration from Pinterest!) and it said ‘​​Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.’. 

There have certainly been a few storms. But I do feel that the path has been cleared. I keep hoping I will wake up and feel normal again but that normal is long gone. I’m in the middle of observing and growing and finding a new normal. I’m not trying to turn a new page or flip or new leaf or whatever. I am simply just discovering what this new cleared path is, who is the new person that’s emerging. I’m not going to put a lot of pressure on it, I did that in the beginning of the year and it honestly all fell to shit. 

I’m just discovering, and rediscovering, forgiving myself and not wanting to shout about how great or shitty or anything in between I am from the rooftops. Just like my Peepa. 

xx  

Jane