I'm grateful for a meeting focused on acceptance. I'm grateful for talking through my challenging family dynamics with my partner in an honest, vulnerable way - a conversation I would never ever have been able to have were it not for being an emotionally sober AA member. I'm grateful I have developed the ability to think deeply before I speak more often than not. I'm grateful for being in a partnership that is supportive and not ego-driven. I'm grateful for the reminder that acceptance, with time, can segue into serenity. I'm grateful that the care I've put into creating a cozy, comfortable, and colorful home is a reflection of my internal values expressing themselves externally. I'm grateful for the complexities of life becoming larger as sobriety continues since it symbolizes to me that I am a part of this world and not hiding from it.
For so long I've labeled myself a mediocre communicator. My ability to speak clearly and honestly in real-time was marred by how fearful I was of other's perception of me. I felt that if I didn't say the perfect thing at every turn then I'd likely be shunned or hated.
Pre-drinking I dealt with my fears around communication by not speaking at all. Silence was a safety blank. The less I spoke, the less people would judge. Growing up I had a lot of secrets I didn't want people to know, especially around my sexuality, so I believed it would be best to keep mum. That didn't necessarily mean I was a good listener. People assumed I was because I was quiet, but I was just in my own little world of fear, anxiety, and insecurity.
When I eventually took that first drink it was quite magical in some ways. The apprehension around speaking melted away thanks to newfound liquid courage. However that speaking unfortunately translated to a lot of lies. I totally skipped the essential maturation step around addressing my internal struggles with identity. Vodka gave me the "strength" to make stuff up about myself because I realized it would win people over in the short-term. Long-term consequences were totally sidelined. I'd deal with them as they surfaced, which meant with more fake stories.
After years and years of drinking and years and years of lying, I had constructed a very treacherous house of cards around my identity. When I entered the unmanageable phase of drinking where I couldn't keep the lies straight anymore everything predictably fell apart - the job, the relationship, the social connections. I wasn't the "functional alcoholic", I was a dangerous, deceitful person to others and to myself.
Being in AA for a few years has taught me what it means to communicate with honesty and confidence while also listen with interest and compassion. Attending meetings and hearing people pour their hearts out in heartbreaking and funny ways has shown me I'm not alone in my struggles and that redemption can be found. I am not the lost cause I once thought I was. Additionally, the Steps have been an invaluable framework for me to dissect why I did what I did in the past, who I really am today in sobriety, and what tools am I going to adopt to ensure I present my authenticity to the world in a sustainable fashion. I never ever turned the critical lens internally until I came into the Program. Doing so has allowed me to mature in ways that had been stalled during my drinking. Meetings and the Steps have given me a permission structure to be comfortable in my own skin, which in turn lets me communicate with others without the crippling fear, anxiety, and insecurity that plagued me since childhood.
Yesterday evening I had a very real talk with my partner about my family. Certain events are coming up that will bring them into my life a little more in the coming weeks, which makes me uncomfortable. I'm not in danger of drinking, but I am aware that my emotional sobriety could take a few hits. When I shared my concerns with him I was not only pleased by his very empathetic reaction (which I'd of course hope for from good partner), but also pleasantly surprised at how well I was able to communicate the complexities of what I was going through without reservation. I took a moment after our conversation ended to give myself a mental high-five. A few years back this was not my approach to difficult topics. I would drink, I would yell, I would cry, I would lie, I would do a whole host of things that involved running away from a solution. Now I can readily identify the emotions inside me, convey them with words that don't hurt me or those around me, that get to a reasonable conclusion, and that permits me to move on with my head held high. Being a better communicator is not necessarily something I envisioned getting from AA, but it's one of the myriad of gifts I'm thankful to have found.