I'm grateful for going about my day without headphones on and listening to my surroundings and my mind. I'm grateful my body is still healthy enough to allow me to run on a daily basis. I'm grateful for trying new meetings. I'm grateful for someone sharing that they consider their sobriety a superpower. I'm grateful my dog's injury isn't going to require more intensive work. I'm grateful to have said a final goodbye to my neighbor who is moving her life to Oregon, reminding me of all the changes happening to people all the time and how I am not the center. I'm grateful for being able to write weekly in long-form because it helps solidify my sobriety.
I've had a pretty pleasant week since my last post. Some fun things transpired (ran a 10k in Boulder, hung out with new people on Memorial Day) and some less fun things as well (my dog scratched his eye badly so dealing with the aftercare regimen now).
Throughout all this I realized how often the desire to control a situation, big or small, comes up. I delude myself into thinking I'll feel better if only I do things my way, which may give me a temporary high but are by no means a longer term salve. Sometimes I pass these actions off as habits I need to practice in order to keep my spiritual backbone strong. Honestly though I can loosen my grip a little and understand the important distinction between habits that keep me serene and sane and habits that veer into rigidity and prejudice.
During my Step 4 work I came to the understanding that my control stems from fear. Even if it's something silly like how to organize my partner's closet, I require things to happen a certain way to feel comfortable, to feel secure. However being in this Program has helped me recognize when my control surfaces in a manner that's acceptable and when it's problematic. In the latter scenarios it's very important I tamp down my control because if I let it spiral then other defects start unfurling like dishonesty, anger, and anxiety. Back in my drinking days, the influx of defects would overwhelm me to the point where my sole coping mechanism became blacking out with a vodka bottle.
Nowadays I spend a lot of time watching my mind throughout the day, especially looking for moments where control is bubbling up. Identification of this trait is crucial because it permits my mind to pause. Even if it's only for a half second that time matters. When I slow down I allow other healthier, constructive thoughts to enter the mix. It could be of acronyms like HALT or THINK, it could be a flashing memory of a fellow's share, it could be remembering an exact circumstance like this previously in my life. A real-time pause on the situation gives me space to reflect on what part of my thinking is justified versus what part I should simply let go. Because AA holds me accountable these days (big props to Steps 7, 10, & 11), I tend to let go a lot more than before, even in moments when I do feel justified. Why? Because I can replay the tape of how fast I will dive deep into negativity, into my worst defects, if I don't take the softer, gentler path sooner. Holding onto my way of doing things fosters resentments, especially when things don't work out, and they never always do. I know all too well how harboring resentments breeds dry drunk behavior and eventually drinking. By playing out this sequence daily I've come to firmly believe that letting go of the reins as quickly as possible always returns me to sustained serenity.
I imagine the above thought processes will be something I battle throughout my life. But the difference now is I'm not afraid of that battle with control. I recognize this as a part of living where I have to take the good with the bad. As long as I'm honest with myself of where I am at and what I can do to work through issues, and not bypass them, I will be able to stay close to equanimity. AA has given me the tools to be in acceptance of life's ebbs and flows. Why I need to stick closely to AA is because my tendencies to slip back into my defective thinking can happen seamlessly. My brain requires a system of checks and balances provided by this Program to address my actions beyond my drinking and into the root of my thinking.
As a total aside, a fun byproduct of me thinking about this topic has been re-listening to my favorite Janet Jackson album. You guessed it, Control, released in 1986! So I'll end randomly by sharing one of my favorite tracks from it: