Cousin's Visit
I'm grateful that the last two meetings I've attended have had the topic be "gratitude" (and it's not even Thanksgiving!). I'm grateful for the positivity and hopefulness in the shares resulting from this topic. I'm grateful for the reminder that surrendering doesn't mean giving up, but rather to simply stop fighting. I'm grateful for being in a position in life to help others and be solicited for advice. I'm grateful for running through a heavily tree-lined neighborhood and getting color overload from the changing leaves. I'm grateful Colorado sends educational pamphlets detailing the myriad of ballot measures so voters know about what's happening. I'm grateful to live in a democracy where we have the freedom to speak our minds and be our authentic selves. I'm grateful for the interior design compliments I got because it's a passion I've only recently discovered in sobriety. I'm grateful to be in a time period where I can hear sober fellows share about their experience living through the AIDS epidemic and what attending AA meetings was like then. I'm grateful for the Godiva milk chocolate gift bag my partner's patient gave him because they've been a delicious treat to cap my dinners these past several days. I'm grateful to be able to reflect on my past and feel all the emotions without spiraling.
I think I've shared here that when it comes to family my relationship with them is tricky. While they've done incredible things to reel me back from the brink, they've also done more than a few things to place me there. The process of me grappling with this reality had been a cornerstone of my drinking. I come from a large immigrant family that while growing up in NYC was very tight, very involved in one another's lives. During childhood that was awesome because it meant I had an instant friend group in my cousins. We would have tons of fun hanging out at each other's homes, having sleep overs, playing table tennis, going on vacations - basically all the cool kid's stuff.
However as we matured our lives diverged and relationships grew complicated. A slew of deaths changed the overall dynamics, as did marriages and increased geographic separation. Our parents generation also splintered and that heavily influenced how we interacted (or, more accurately, did not). For myself I hid away from everyone because I didn't want to reveal my sexuality. There was one cousin though, we'll call her "Anjali", who made it her earnest goal to maintain ties despite the fissures that had formed. Over the years she has emerged as the only one who is truly making an effort to repair frayed relations.
As my alcoholism grew worse, it was Anjali who came to know of it first after my parents. We had a few tumultuous years where my drinking did a number on our relationship, but to her credit she stuck with me. Her understanding of this disease based on outside experiences was helpful because unlike other family members she brought an empathy to the chaos that nobody else did. It was her who on a frigid February morning drove me to the sober home on the UES where I finally started my journey in AA.
I bring Anjali up because she visited me in Denver this past weekend. To be honest I had been quite nervous for a few weeks prior to us meeting up. Thanks to what I've taken away from the 12 Steps, I know the importance of setting up healthy boundaries. Having genial, but sporadic communication with family is part of that boundary setting for me right now. Every time they enter the picture, even good ones like her, I feel angst. Distance allows me to avoid being part of the gossip that inevitably makes the rounds. As a sober gay guy who comes from a devoutly religious community I can certainly provide plenty of fodder. So it was before I even met up with Anjali that I was bringing all this baggage, all this agita into the mix.
Unsurprisingly our time together on Sunday was a blast. We reverted to our old happy childhood ways as soon as we saw each other. I was ambivalent about taking her to my house initially so we instead went to the Botanical Gardens and caught up. After some deep, honest conversation about where we are both at in life I decided to introduce her to my partner, who had till that point never met a member of my family. Upon reflection it's super meaningful that Anjali was the one to embrace him first. I've spent decades fretting about and drinking over sharing my life as a gay man with any family. To have this moment where it came together with such joy, such positivity, such receptiveness was heartwarming. After hanging on the couch for a few hours we grabbed dinner, caught the fantastic SNL episode hosted by Ariana Grande on TV, and then I drover her back to the hotel.
I'm still processing the events from Anjali's visit. She and I have been through a lot. There are only a handful of people who have stayed in my life that knew me when I was drinking. She thankfully is one of them. When I see her now it is a helpful reflection for me on just how far I've come in sobriety. The bad events of my life while drinking will of course never disappear, but there is a way I can carry that history as I move forward with understanding and peace. Through conversations with people like her I can remember opportunities for redemption and rebuilding exist. Our connection is a lifesaving gift for me. I love being sober. I love being in AA. Doing the hard, painful internal investigation is worth it because it means I can experience beautiful moments like this.
