I’m grateful for the people who show up in my life. I’m grateful for understanding my part. I’m grateful for a meeting and dinner with my sponsor. I’m grateful for a lovely time with my daughter. I’m grateful for dodging the thunderstorms. I’m grateful I didn’t run out of chances. I’m grateful for being sober.
I’m working with a sponsee these days on a 4th and 5th Step and the phrase “understanding my part” is really important. Humility is one of the keys to sobriety, but I think people often misunderstand the difference between self-criticism and humility. It took me a long time to understand that when I went to meetings and shared excerpts from the litany of shitty things I did while drinking, that wasn’t really humility.1 When I really examined myself and my motives, I could see that was still the me-focused agenda at work. Don’t get me wrong, it’s critically important that we share things like that. I think that’s one of the principal weapons we have against shame and stigma, but for my own personal growth, I saw that I had to get beyond that.I’m a surprisingly quiet person2 and, for me, humility has come to be associated more with being quiet and listening. When I’m busy talking or even just thinking about me, it’s pretty tough for the Big Guy to get through.3
The process of the 4th and 5th Step is liberating, but certainly not fun. My sponsor likes to say it’s an exercise in pattern-spotting; trying to identify the behaviors and reactions and thinking that are problematic for us. There is an expiatory nature to this exercise, but I think it’s more about understanding what we can change in the 6th and 7th Steps.
That’s why it’s important, as part of this process, to identify where the line actually was—the line between my part, the things I did and the things that other people did. For me, the search to understand my drinking has never been to try and find ways to justify it. The exercise is to identify what we can fix and then get to work. Since we can only fix ourselves, it’s important to find that line. But, it’s also important to avoid meaningless flagellation. My drinking was at the bottom of a lot of shitty stuff, to be sure, but there was some other stuff, other people’s stuff down there, too. I think it’s about progress, not perfection and coming to terms with ourselves honestly. That requires seeing the good and the bad, the things that we did and the things that happened to us and reconciling, integrating all of it. It’s hard work and not really enjoyable, but it was the key to showing me what I needed to change, and more importantly, what I could change. Because that is actually the bottom line: Changing the things we can.
Thanks for Letting Me Share
More broadly, I’m not sure the path to true humility involves speaking to an audience of alcoholics and telling them how humble you are.
I mean, considering I do this everyday and have a podcast. Otherwise, I’m very quiet and actually, pretty shy.
I realize that when I write about God, as I understand God, which is actually not much, he usually takes a male form. I’d like to emphasize that I have no real idea what God actually is or what pronouns would be appropriate, if any, that’s just my own limited conception of God and I hope it doesn’t put anyone off.
I don’t have a presence on social but if I did I would certainly promote your musings. I cannot express adequately how much I enjoy your work. I’m almost five months in in my sober journey (alcohol) and dealing with so many challenges. Reading your work inspires me and gives me hope to press in another day. Just wanted to say I’m grateful for you!!
I’m constantly saying the serenity prayer as a way to (hopefully) be a better parent and wife, haha.
Also love the photo today.