I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a slow morning, for doing laundry last night so I don’t have to do it on Friday. I’m grateful for hearing friends speak at meetings, for service and for suggestions from my sponsor. I’m grateful for willingness, for change and for seeing how different things are. I’m grateful for coffee, that it’s almost Friday and for a women’s meetings on Saturday to look forward to.
Good morning, friends!
Hope everyone has been enjoying the week and is excited for the weekend :)
I want to tell you guys a little story this morning. When I was a little girl, probably 10 or 11, Halloween was my favorite holiday. I loved the cool air, crisp leaves, Michael Myers on the TV, and of course the endless candy plus the opportunity to dress up. I loved Halloween when I was older too, except for different reasons. Mainly pretending to be someone I wasn’t for a day and fading away in a bar all night. Now, the holiday makes me a little itchy. The body certainly keeps the score.
Anyway, every October 31st my neighbors would throw this extravagant Halloween party which was also a highlight of the holiday for me. I’m talking, those people who act as statues and then move to scare the shit out of you, out front kind of party. Again, I was 10 or 11 standing in the front yard of my neighbors this particular Halloween night when I noticed a group of older boys (probably 13 or 14 maybe) walking cheerfully down the street with MY FAMILYS HALLOWEEN CANDY BUCKET!! The kind of bucket that is orange with black pumpkins and bats on it that you leave out for kids to take candy from.
Well little 10-year-old me ran into the street and demanded they give me my (now empty) candy bucket back, not afraid of confrontation, just give me the damn bucket. Which they in fact, did return to me.
Now, you may be wondering why I am telling you a Halloween story in the middle of April. Because, that confidence to run into the street, not be afraid and stand up for what is right is something that I am struggling to find again.
I believe that I am working hard to change my attitudes and behaviors, I know that it is an everyday, slow, and steady process. But I’m in this little funk where I continuously ask myself will I ever find that confidence again?
I have been so stressed these past few weeks and when I reach a certain point of being overwhelmed, I become hypersensitive to everything else. And I become afraid again, afraid of doing or saying something wrong or just being wrong.
10-year-old Jane certainly wasn’t afraid. So, I know this little funk will past. I know that the confidence is inside of my somewhere, I know there’s a line between not being afraid and demanding your candy bucket back. I know I need to turn to HP. I know what I need to do, I just wish it was as easy as being a 10-year-old with no cares in the world. Maybe it is and I’m missing my own point here…so maybe let’s all find a be a little gentler to our inner children today. And be sure to get lots of rest this weekend ;)
xx
Jane
Such a great post, Jane. Way to go with reclaiming the bucket!