I am so grateful to be sober. I am grateful for Christmas being so close, for the presents already wrapped & under the tree. I am grateful for honest conversations, my sponsor and sponsees. I’m grateful for a really lovely evening with my family on Saturday, for a really great meeting on Sunday, for coffee, new books, laughter, moments of joy, and my Higher Power.
Good morning my friends :)
I hope everyone had a lovely weekend and happy Hanukkah to those who celebrate!
There were a lot of emotions flying around this weekend and I’m feeling hungover, the emotional kind of hangover that is. All of my emotions still feel really raw and I need to put some space between myself and those emotions - and in that space should be God.
I was at a meeting yesterday morning and the speaker talked about how it can be such a small space when you “pause” but SO much God can fill that space.
I don’t know, I'm just feeling sad and resentful and grieving a little too. I talked to my sponsor for a long time last night in which we talked about how we can write out a million resentments but they will never get better if there are no changes. And I have the clarity to see there are things that I am outgrowing, and that makes me sad and scared.
Because what is on the other side of the things I’m outgrowing? Something beautiful of course, but that fear of the unknown speaks a lot to how I constantly need to be bringing myself back to HP and asking for guidance and even asking for reassurance.
I’m all over the place guys and I am sorry. I’m tired and in my feelings (which is okay by the way because for me, really feeling them is 10000x better than trying to force them away). I spoke about it a few weeks ago about how I feel internal shifts happening, I can see the person I want to be and know how I can get there and the way I’m feeling today just feels like a step back.
But maybe on the other hand this is what launches me forward (probably). But at the end of the day despite my babbling, I can't tell you that I am absolutely not going to drink. And above all else that is the most important.
Yesterday when I was really in the chaos of so much emotion I thought about it, about how none of this would be an issue if I was drinking. But that is my disease doing one armed push ups in the back of my brain all of the time. And that is why for me, it is so incredibly important to keep my feet firmly planted in my program. Because at any moment my disease could tell me today is a good day to burn my life down, and if I am too far from my program, I am susceptible to listening to that.
Which is why I always say to all of you, you are never alone. I am always here to chat if anyone needs help. There will be great days and there will be bad days and everything in between but we don’t have to drink over any of it. We don’t ever have to burn our lives down again.
xx
Jane
One of the best things about AA (and Al-anon, all Recovery) is we do not have to do this alone!! Isolating, being alone w our crazy and often illogical thoughts only gets this alcoholic in trouble. Pick up the phone, go to a meeting, share....there are plenty of people here to help! Thanks for your writing, another great example of 12 Step work!
Life is an ever evolving journey. Outgrowing things is healthy. Just like you grew out of your little girl footie pajamas, you can outgrow other things too. Just like a plant that needs a bigger pot, your roots are strong in your program. Those strong roots will go with you wherever you go next.