I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a sunny day after a weekend full of rain. I’m grateful for my sponsor, for her suggestions and for my life getting a little bigger. I’m grateful for walks through Central Park, for honest conversations and for my journals. I’m grateful for coffee, for the Twelve Steps, for rest and for a fresh week.
Good morning, friends!
I hope everyone had a lovely weekend :) It was super gloomy here in New York and while I know our favorite friend TBD loves the rainy weather, I personally felt a little weather induced funk coming on.
Today however, the sun is shining, and the birds are chirping and I’m ready for a little vitamin D on my walk to work.
Speaking of funks however, I’ve been thinking that the hardest part of steps 6 and 7, or self-awareness, is catching yourself before or after using a defect, slipping into the same attitude, behavior or thought.
It’s so easy for me to slip back into the same thoughts and attitudes I had before. I was thinking about what to write this morning as I journaled and I could talk about feeling lost, but I’ve talked about that a million times. Fear? Burn out? Stress. I’ve sat here and written about the same things 87 different ways for almost a year.
So yes, I’m feeling lost, a little sad and anxious and afraid. But how can I pivot that? Maybe by reflecting on what HP is trying to teach me or show me. Maybe evaluating what is too heavy for me to carry and what I need to turn over. Maybe seeing what is making me afraid and communicating that. And maybe it’s understanding that the longer I don’t take leaps, the longer I’m going to perpetuate suffering.
And now writing this all down and sharing with you is wonderful, it’s implementing it that’s hard. It’s leaving my apartment and genuinely turning to God and not holding on so tight to the old ways.
I made my first amends over the week, and I almost didn’t do it because after the amends, I knew I’d really have to change. That to me is not okay, the whole point here is willingness, and I must maintain willingness to change for myself or I will forever live in an endless cycle of small steps forward, big steps back.
So, I hope everyone has a fabulous Monday and can find a little extra willingness today ;)
xx
Jane
You've got this, Jane, even when you're 'a little sad, anxious and afraid'. And it sounds to me that you need to pair up with TBD and get him to steer you in the direction of a swanky umbrella of your own! There'll always be rain: but there are many and varied fabulous ways to deal with it. 😘 Such a great post. I've enjoyed reading your words.
Being sad, anxious or afraid simply means you are human. Those feelings aren’t permanent and can be just as quickly replaced with happiness, strength and calm. Keep learning from your own insight and your program. I love you Jane!