I am so grateful to be sober. I am grateful for the sunshine, for working from home and for coffee. I’m grateful to be keeping the windows open, for comfy sweatshirts, for hearing a friend speak last night, and for rest. I am grateful for books I can get lost in, for listening and for learning.
Good morning my friends!
As always, I hope everyone has been enjoying the week and hopefully has a restful weekend planned :)
Timmy and I will be heading out to Las Vegas this weekend to celebrate my dads 50th birthday!!! This trip is the first big one Timmy and I are taking together and I am incredibly grateful to be able to celebrate a big birthday with my dad. While traveling often induces a ton of anxiety, I am excited to be in the desert. A nice change of scenery from the crane New York decided to install in our backyard.
Getting into it though, I am feeling a little stuck today. Like I have so many thoughts swirling around and I can't pick which one to land on. First and foremost, I have therapy in 10 minutes (it’s currently 8:50) so this post will likely be coming to you a little late (therapy ends at 9:45 and I start work at 10 so cue the anxiety).
Speaking of anxiety - I haven't felt that all consuming, paralyzing fear since I left my old job and started my new one which is truly such a gift. Overarchingly though, what is in my head right now is annoyance over the fact that a lot of the time I hear other people’s voices instead of my own. Where is my voice? What do I want to do? What makes me feel good and safe? Where is that line between being selfless and being selfish? I think my internal voice, being to the tune of someone else’s is a million and one things other than selfish OR selfless. It’s a problem, I think. And when I choose to hear my own internal voice, someone else gets angry.
Do I not have strong enough boundaries? Do I not communicate well enough? I think I have communicated pretty frequently lately that these past few weeks have been hard, I need help, not more things on my to do list. I need support, not aggression. I need respect, not my boundaries to be manipulated. So what am I being? A dick? Living in self will?
I don’t know. But I do know that we released a brand new episode of Breakfast with an Alcoholic (it’s been a while ;) ) yesterday in which one of the big things discussed was spirituality.
I in fact, shared 3 things about my thoughts on spirituality including how your practice can take whatever shape is best for you. For example, many of you know my higher power is not the catholic God and that’s okay, and I don't get on my knees to pray. I write my prayers in my journal and that is okay too, because I also talk to my Higher Power all throughout the day without getting on my knees.
So especially with the way I am feeling today, I will ask my higher power for guidance. Many times, and the answer probably won’t come right away. It will come through a series of little moments that point me in the right direction. That’s how my relationship with my higher power works, and that is okay.
xx
Jane
Jane, it has sounded like you’ve been rocking these last few weeks - hang in there! Not only a new job, now a trip, etc and you are still working a good program. I found that the hamster wheel of thoughts, voices, instincts run wild, etc. quiets when I ask myself “how can I be of service?” It releases me from that bondage of self (self-importance in my case) and at the same time cuts through the BS of others’ voices (not always their real voices, btw).
I can really get going inside my own head - even in recovery it’s still a thinking problem!
Have a great trip!