I’m grateful to see a newcomer who I met counting days now helming a meeting and being of service. I’m grateful to keep thinking about how by following the suggestions of this Program I learnt how to play by the rules. I’m grateful for doggy daycare and how much it tires my dog out. I’m grateful for slightly extending my running distance. I’m grateful for ticking off important life to-do’s because it makes me feel like an adult and realize that I could only have finished these things because I’m sober. I’m grateful for signing up for tennis lessons and getting back into a sport I once loved. I’m grateful for being so close to nature and being reminded of my Higher Power through it.
This upcoming week will be an atypically busy one from a family perspective. Unfortunately the eldest aunt in my family, who along with her husband and my grandfather were instrumental in bringing the nine siblings on my mom's side to the U.S., passed this week. We weren't particularly close, but her making this journey back in the '80s fundamentally changed our family's trajectory.
I debated whether I'd attend the funeral. It's in Virginia and it'll cost a fair amount of money flying in and out the same day. Plus I'll have to see extended family who I've avoided for some time. Being around them always brings up questions about my life and in doing that I have to find a graceful way to avoid talking about being gay. Some of them don't know this about me, some know and are disparaging, and some know and couldn't care at all.
Unfortunately my parents fall into that second bucket and they'll certainly be there. After the funeral I've arranged for them to visit me for the first time in Denver since I moved a few months ago. This was strategically timed as my partner will be away for a few days at a conference in San Diego. I'm honestly slightly bummed writing about this. Aside from the exhaustion around navigating a landmine of questions, looks, declarations, etc. from family about a core part of my identity, I actually do miss all of them.
We grew up in a very communal fashion. Geographically the majority of us had settled in the NYC area so my cousins were like siblings and aunts and uncles were like a second set of parents. I enjoyed our weekly Friday havans (religious get-togethers) and regular sleep overs. We practiced our Indian customs that made me feel kinda special. I always thought to myself, "Wow the kids at school have no idea about this part of me. It's like a Clark Kent/Superman situation." I was so Indian, so culturally distinct at home, while in the real world, out in Western society, I was able to assimilate (well, to an extent).
I share these details because as I grew up and started to feel different for being gay, and then even more different for being an alcoholic, my family - both immediate and extended - became huge resentments for me. I drank because of the negative thoughts about them that set up residence in my head. Why did they not accept me for who I am? Why did they move across the world just to live in their own insular cultural bubble? Why has our religion been wielded as a tool to imprison me rather than lift me up? Why do some of them look down on me for something I can't control? There is a lot here and I am definitely still unpacking it in sobriety.
But the key element for me being confident that I can weather whatever happens in the coming week is because of AA. To start if I was still drinking I would never have attended the funeral. I'd have made the tragedy about me - This aunt hasn't talked to me in years and doesn't know me or my life anymore so why should my presence matter? I don't want to deal with toxic family so...I won't. What has their family done for mine lately - nothing when I was struggling that's for sure. These are terrible, self-centered thoughts that back in the day would have been solidified with the bottle by my side as I became increasingly sorry for myself.
Instead of this line of thinking though, the phrase "do the next right action" came to the forefront. I was able to lay out a constructive path. My parents, especially my mom, are very saddened by this loss because this aunt meant a lot to them and did so much when we first moved here. Perhaps my parents are thinking about their own mortality as more family members pass. Culturally this is the thing we do as Indian people - doesn't matter how far away we are, we show up and show love. As their only son my being there is an act of love in their eyes. My eldest cousin is certainly devastated by this and while he doesn't expect anything from me I should be of support because I do care and he matters to me.
As a member of this Program I love that I am here to not just avoid the liquor store, but also practice healthy, sustainable living. I do this by implementing the principles of AA in all my affairs. The Big Book beautifully details the Steps I must take to remain sober, especially at uncomfortable junctures. I have listened and committed to memory the myriad of stories of how fellows have gracefully walked through their troubles and become stronger because of them. Their voices are constantly in my head guiding me to sanity.
Yes, it'll be a little anxiety-inducing being at the funeral and then returning with my parents to Denver to show them my life here, but I'm looking at the positive. Daily Gratitude Texts have been a blessing because they've let me exercise the muscle of gratitude. When there's a cloud, I can more easily find a silver lining. Taking my parents into the Rocky Mountains and (hopefully) watching them light up at natural beauty they've never seen before will be such a cool gift I can give them. Showcasing how peaceful and productive my life is now will be a huge relief for them given how much it was in shambles a few years ago. I'll be focusing on these thoughts as they stay with me and not the ones that drive me towards toxicity - and inevitably a drink (or dry drunk behavior).
It gets me a tad misty eyed at how much this Program has transformed me in such a short timespan. The fact that I unlocked for myself how AA is a framework for living a serene, mature, empathetic existence - way beyond simply giving up vodka - is such a blessing. The fact that I can have a relationship with family, however complex, and be grateful for them in my life rather than isolate from them is because of AA. The fact that I can think about being of service to others first and take actions that positively address their needs is because of AA. The fact that I can communicate honestly with myself about what's happening inside and then find ways to take care of myself properly and compassionately is because of AA. All this and more requires daily, active participation on my part in the Program and I couldn't be happier doing it. Thank you AA for letting me find a way back to family.
My sympathies on the loss of your aunt. Did you ever think (or dream) that you would write this sentence, Thank you AA for letting me find a way back to family? Or even ever want to write it? I know I did not, I really wanted AA to protect me from my family! It’s a good thing that we don’t get what we wish for…. Thank you for sharing so honestly, and safe travels in both the literal and figurative sense of the word.