I am so grateful to be sober today. I am grateful to be spending time outside in the fresh air and for conversations with good friends. I’m grateful for when good things happen to the people I care about, for positive turning points and for honest communication. I’m grateful for little signs and messages from my Peepa, for time with family and for AA always being available.
Hello my friends!
Hope everyone has been enjoying the week :) As you all know, my family and I are (still) in Disney World which has me thinking a lot about fantasy lately. There’s a lot of different directions we can go with fantasy, the first of which is how my mind works in two ways – fantasizing about the future, or spiraling in a deep hole of overthinking, doom, death, destruction, chaos, and greed.
But let’s just go back for a second. When I was little, I believed life was a Disney movie. You’d meet prince charming, fly around on a magic carpet, maybe have a tiger named Rajah and all would be well with the world so long as your father’s advisor wasn’t a corrupt snake…is anyone following me here??
The point is when I was younger, I would fantasize about everything. Highschool, boys, living in New York, a career in fashion or photography…or both! When I was drinking my life was a fantasy, the clubs and the music and the promotors, it was a movie in my mind.
As we all know, the reality of it was debilitating alcoholism, but I wouldn’t recognize that until later. Now my fantasies are about a future with Timmy or a future sponsee or a future apartment. They are also when I overthink myself into oblivion. I’m never going to achieve my dreams, I’m going to lose my job and never find another one, my life with Timmy is just…a fantasy.
But much like when I thought I was living my best life while drinking, I am realizing that my fantasies don’t have to get the best of me. The time I spend in the future about good things to look forward to are okay. But spending so much time in the devastation of what could happen is equally as debilitating as my alcoholism once was.
There was literally…some writing on a wall I was sitting close to yesterday that said, “To get lost is to learn the way”. I really needed to see that writing on the wall. I am simply finding my way through the unknown, through the things that scare me, through the fantasies that want to pull me apart.
I am not lost in my negative imagination, I am learning and finding myself as I go, feeling support all around me and discovering the way.
And that is a beautiful thing…I do wish magic carpets were involved though ;)
xx
Jane
I think one of the things that can keep you out of the darker places in Fantasyland is this idea. Knowing that you are anchored by your family that stood by you during your actively drinking years. Your family that will continue to support you during your recovery and for the rest of your life. Sometimes, those things might be overlooked for one reason or another. Just remember we were there for your past, we are present now and we will continue to be there for your future.
That writing on the wall was just waiting for you, Jane!
Last summer I came across some graffiti in a public loo that read: 'You are enough'. It made me think that yes I jolly well am. It made my day, I can tell you! I even took a picture of it on the back of the cubicle door! 🤣
(I mentioned it in this post - https://rebeccaholden.substack.com/p/15-just-keep-the-sea-on-your-left)