Finding Confidence In Our Program
Daily Gratitude List - January 15th 2024
I am so grateful to be sober today. I am grateful for my family and for feeling secure. I’m grateful for a fantastic concert, for feeling joy, for having tools (no pun intended), for our home and for opportunities to grow. I’m grateful for understanding, being present, and being able to be there for others.
Good morning my friends!
As always I hope everyone had a lovely weekend full of rest and rejuvenation or whatever makes it a lovely weekend for you :)
For anyone interested in a follow up on the Tool concert…it was amazing. Everything I hoped it would be plus so much more. It was freaky and fun and they played songs they haven’t played their entire tour and it was so special and will forever be one of the best concerts I’ve been to. One of my sponsees came with me and she’s never been to Madison Square Garden, so being able to bring her for the first time will have a special place in my heart forever too.
Again, as per usual I was debating on what to write not feeling like I had much to share and then in came the flood of thoughts. First of all, I am making a really hard amends today. For me it’s hard because I really did not treat this person well at all. I hurt her in a lot of ways and to own that, and say to someone I was selfish for this, and self seeking for this, and inconsiderate for that is SO vulnerable. And in typical alcoholic fashion I am overthinking how to intro the amends, what if I panic, what if she tells me to rot and die.
But yah know what, I’ve made hard amends before. And if she tells me to rot and die, I won’t drink. I’ll just call my sponsor. But in playing the tape forward, the worst thing that can happen is not me drinking. The worst thing could be that I took accountability for my actions, and am making an effort to be a different person, a sober woman of dignity and grace, and I have absolutely no way of controlling how she is going to take it or respond to it. But at the end of the day I have HP, my sponsor and AA and that is enough regardless.
On that note, yesterday I was having a typical slow Sunday. And everything was fine and then OUT OF NOWHERE i felt so sad. So anxious So uncomfortable in my skin. I don’t know if it was because of the aforementioned amends, or because I took the day off on Friday and a part of my brain still believes that my new boss is my old boss and I will get in trouble on Tuesday (my new boss is nothing like my old boss for the record, she’s an angel, the kindest person I have ever met and it’s my brain that’s the problem. Maybe not my brain, just stuff from the past that comes up that can be difficult to work through.). I don’t know what it was but I was sad. Like my cup was suddenly completely empty despite the slow - cup refilling - day I was having.
And I wasn’t even going to write about it because the anxiety I’m having this morning is definitely because of the amends. But maybe it’s actually the MOST important to talk about those random moments. Because they are normal and happen to all of us and they always pass but they can certainly be unpleasant while they are happening.
I cured that random moment by giving up on cleaning (very unlike me) , getting into my favorite PJ’s, and reading my new book. And today, I will definitely feel better after I make this amends.
And the last thing to wrap this up here, hours before I had my mysterious moment, I was talking to my sponsor about how nice it feels, for the first time in two years to feel so confident and secure in myself and my program. The straw that broke the camel's back? Someone said to me, in front of a group of people (other friends) “Jane’s programs not it.” And when I asked why, they kept repeating “Jane’s programs not it”. To which I left feeling so incredibly hurt and embarrassed. But in that hurt and embarrassment, I realized….my program IS it. It’s the program that works for me. It’s a program that is centered in love, kindness, tolerance, and patience. It’s a program that has kept me sober for two years, that helps other people stay sober. The program I am both incredibly confident in, but also incredibly humble about. Because I am not God, I have the program I do today because I listened and I trusted and I have never wavered from the kindness and patience that I so strongly believe in that was so freely given to me.
So, my program is it. And is yours. Even if it doesn't look perfect, or if there are bad days, or if there are slip ups. We always have room to grow and evolve but for today, I hope that none of us spend one minute second guessing ourselves, the Higher Power of our understanding, or our programs.
With so much love
Jane
P.S. I bought nicotine patches over the weekend to try and quit vaping for good. Mom & Dad, this is me telling you. Please don’t text me about it, pretend you never read this line. If I’m going to quit it has to be for me. Love you both.
I remember when I started in AA and people spoke of their “Program.” I had absolutely no idea what that meant. Even when I asked other AAers for an explanation. Dumbfounded I was. After about 8 months I thought, maybe all this stuff I’m doing to stay sober is my program....prayer, meditation, gratitude lists, reading, journaling, working the steps, meetings, exercise, healthy diet, sponsorship, commitments, service in and out of AA, reflection, phone calls...now, a couple years in, still sober, I’m just starting to feel some confidence in my Program. More good days than bad, and plenty of tools to stay focused and on the beam, center of the heard...Happy, joyous, and free is the goal. I get some of that, but I have also learned to match calamity w Serenity because life has plenty of calamity also. Love your writing.
T
Ps. Super cool your parents are in your life. I’m a dad of adult children and they are in mine and there’s nothing better.