I'm grateful for new meetings and meeting new fellows. I'm grateful for the genuine kindness of strangers. I'm grateful looking for connection and identification these days as opposed to the opposite. I'm grateful for taking contrary action. I'm grateful to listen to others share about how laughter lead them to embracing the solution. I'm grateful when old timers who are celebrating don't sugar coat where they are at today. I'm grateful for our home coming together so nicely and the updates on the horizon. I'm grateful to be planning some outdoor adventures in the coming weeks. I'm grateful for the delicious coffee our machine makes each morning to start off my day right.
My experience with the 4th Step was a revelatory one. Leading up to it, I recall being farly antsy as I'd heard others speak of it in very grand terms and it felt like the first BIG, action-heavy Step to me.
Going through all my notes on this Step where I detailed how I thought about myself / how I felt others thought about me was a somewhat painful exercise. It's hard to revisit the shitty things I did - written out in glorious detail. There was a fair amount of tumult I caused that will always hurt regardless of how much time passes or how great life becomes.
But when I got to the place where I saw throughlines emerge in my chaotic behavior across these multitude of traumatic events, it was genuinely amazing. Having never done an exercise like this prior in life, I felt kind of reborn because of the amount I was discovering about my mind. A huge bonus was my Sponsor reframing the term "character defects", as coined in the Big Book, to a gentler "thinking patterns". That modest word update allowed me to give myself grace as I delved into painful history. Creating a bit of distance from what happened let me better research the root causes like an objective juror instead of enmesh myself in self-hatred or self-pity.
As I made a list of thinking patterns bucketed by persons impacted most in my life, it started to become an intriguing exercise of associations. Associations I was so very blind to for decades, but were right in front of me had I bothered to put down the drink and look at things honestly. The amount of delusion I'd harbored about who I am, why I do the things I do, was stunning. The acrobatic excuses I made to protect this image of self was heartbreaking. All my actions until that point were getting me further away from my true nature with alcohol generously fueling the journey.
When all the writing, listing out, diagramming came to an end I codified a list of thinking patterns that I refer to regularly as many of these still arise, albeit with less intensity than before...
Controlling
Ego
Anger
Fear
Judgement
Dishonesty
Self-critical thinking
Excessive people pleasing
Resentments
Of course none of these characteristics are unique to me. However documenting how some of the most despondent stories of my life directly correlated with each of the above traits helped me clearly flesh out how I came to be where I am and what I must do to change.
Additionally when I hear others speak so honestly and vulnerably around how they deal with the same thinking patterns in their own lives, it lets me feel less alone and lets me know I too can overcome them - even just for a day. I borrow from their strength as I continue fortifying my own sober foundation
Step 4 was a beautiful, long overdue exercise in honesty. I loved the experience of creating a "Cheat Sheet" of how my brain works and referring to it daily as I engage with Step 10. Of course this patterns list will continue to evolve the longer I have in sobriety. I'm incredibly excited for what those new discoveries will be with the help of the A.A. community and my Higher Power.