Finding the Next Rock

I’m grateful for an early morning. I’m grateful for other alcoholics sharing their stories. I’m grateful for seeing that what’s here is what’s true. I’m grateful for YouTube in the middle of the night. I’m grateful to be sober today.

Here’s the problem with Step One: It seems obvious. When I would hear it, my reaction was usually something like, “yes.” I was very familiar with the fact that I had been unable to stop drinking, despite a wide variety of approaches and methods. Also, “yes” on the unmanageability thing. My life was chaotic, I ranged between despondent and miserable. I knew I was headed towards even worse stuff. I’d known since I was 18 there would be a terrible price to pay one day. I knew when I was 18 that I was unable to control my drinking.

So, a big “yes,” to Step One. This is where frustration began to set in on all sides. I think sometimes there is a thought that once the alcoholic has been able to acknowledge the truth as set forth in Step One, that the scales will fall from their eyes and the progression to sobriety will be swift and even. To be fair, part of this illusion is created by the Big Book. For example, when Bill tells the story of his dinner with Ebby and his conversion, let’s just say the time frame is a bit compressed.

Step One is a beginning, and it should be approached on that basis. The alcoholic who is working the First Step is tending a tiny little flame of sobriety and it’s not exactly clear how to keep that going on a windy day, much less turn it into a real fire that will last. I think one thing that helps is taking a more expansive view of sobriety. As I’ve said, the thing that held me back from getting sober was more a lack of imagination than a failure to recognize the severity of my situation. I needed some help understanding that if I took this First Step, well, what would come next? The problem was that I didn’t believe there was a solution.

Technically, we are now discussing the Second Step, but I think understanding a little about the next rock you’re hopping on increases the chances of sticking the landing. This is a metaphor involving crossing a stream by hopping from rock-to-rock, just thought I should say that.

I think that working the First Step should maybe be approached more expansively. While one is coming to terms with the truth about their alcoholism and the mess it has created, it’s probably a good opportunity to look a bit more holistically at life. Writing has helped me understand myself, my life and my spot in the Universe. Writing has helped me get sober and it has definitely helped keep me sober.

When I’ve worked the First Step, the writing assignments would often focus on providing examples of powerlessness and unmanageability. But, like I said, I very much believed I was an alcoholic, that my life was unmanageable and getting worse and that I couldn’t stop on my own. I needed help mustering the faith and courage to stand firmly on this first rock, commit to it and then make that step/jump to the next rock—which looks very wet and slippery and alarmingly not flat.

I’ve put together some writing prompts that I think are useful ways to think about some of these concepts, to “work,” the First Step. Here they are:

• 10 Reasons to Stop Drinking.

• 10 Words to Describe You Now; 10 Words You’d Like to Describe You in One Year.

• 5 Things You Never Want to Do Again.

• What do you think sobriety means for you? What does sobriety mean to the people who love you?

• What are you losing by giving up drinking?

• Is there anything you hope to gain by giving up drinking?

• Do a Relapse Inventory—list every time you tried to stop drinking and why you didn’t.

• Write the story of one relapse.

• Why do you think you’re at the bottom?

• Outline the turning points and realizations in Bill’s Story.

• Write your story like Bill’s Story.

  

  The point is to write these things. I’m not a neuroscientists, but there is something different that happens to my brain when I write things down, instead of just thinking them. So, get a notebook and start writing, would be my advice. If you wanted to share something you write on this topic (it doesn’t have to be in response to those prompts), well, that could definitely be arranged. In fact, I asked two randomly-chosen AA sponsees to take a crack at this—here is what they came up with:

I think those are pretty good. I think reframing some of the First Step work in a forward-looking way is helpful. It’s awfully easy to get hung up on the self-shaming aspects of early sobriety. Admit I’m an alcoholic, admit my life is a shambles, admit I hurt everyone I love, admit stuff I haven’t ever told anyone, admit how I feel about myself. That’s a lot. That’s incredibly daunting. That’s why they push that One Day at a Time thing so hard, because it’s the only way to climb this particular mountain.

I think asking questions about what do I want my life to be like are appropriately considered as part of the First Step. Hope and faith are different things, but I think they feed off of each other; having hope builds faith, faith allows for hope to grow. The First Step is about making a beginning, and the tough thing is you can’t actually know where all of this is going to lead you. The First Step is not the thing that leads to the ultimate punishment for alcoholics: no more drinking. It’s the thing that leads to a brand new life, a brand new way of thinking, a brand new way of being.

From here, you can see that next rock. That may seem like an awfully big, scary, improbable next step, but I’m going to tell you, that next rock is not as slippery as you think.