I'm grateful for going to a meeting where a newcomer shared candidly about how hard those first few days are when we're coming back from a bottom. I'm grateful to not exist in self pity regularly and know there are things I can deploy to get outside of myself. I'm grateful to know it was ego talking when I would tell myself I'm the worst person or nobody can understand what I've been through. I'm grateful for the tiny actions I perform daily that keep me disciplined in sobriety and ensure my serenity is intact. I'm grateful for early morning runs before the summer heat arrives. I'm grateful I stayed long enough in this Program to allow the miracles (big and small) to slowly happen in my life and be in a place where I truly believe I can be happy, joyous, and free.
A while back I heard someone with many decades of sobriety qualify by expressing gratitude to the people who got her to that point. She didn't go through a crazy drunkalogue or demonstrate how much knowledge she had attained in the Program after several decades. It was a simple and beautiful lead where she brought up various individuals and briefly highlighted how they helped. For some they'd performed major acts to get her to that point, while for others she'd only met them in passing and never again.
I remember being very moved by this approach. It was a stellar showcase of how much AA is a "We" Program. In our rooms we collapse the concept of individualism that is so often promoted in the real world and embrace the "We". For me, her naming people specifically was a reminder to honor the fact that I am here because of many. The only reason that I am alive, that I can exist with whatever serenity I have, is because other people showed me how - in sometimes direct and sometimes convoluted ways.
I wanted to go through the exercise of listing people in my life who've impacted my journey as I feel it'll help fortify my sobriety while also paying homage to them. Also if I get to old age, I want to be able to remember their impact since the act of remembering is like my little sober love poem to them and to myself.
Lastly I wanted to write everything out by using the word "GRATEFUL" as a framework. For each letter in the word I'd have to remember a person whose name starts with that letter. I realize this may be terribly cheesy, but I don't care. In AA we are sometimes cheesy and I love it. So here goes...
G
I remember "G" from my first night at the sober home I arrived at, which was also my first time actually trying AA. I think we were all either listening in on a Zoom meeting or having some sort of house meeting, but the concept of God was being discussed. Having come from a lot of religious trauma I think "G", who was sitting beside me, saw my visibly distressed face and said not to worry since in AA it's finding a "God of your own understanding". He went on to tell me that this is not a Christian program, or even a religious one, we have to find our own spiritual path with the help of the Steps and a sponsor. I still remember the huge feeling of relief when he shared this because a lot of my initial anxieties melted away. I had not joined a weird cult, but a place where people were open minded about how to get better. For "G" he made this comment in passing and probably didn't even think twice about what he'd recited. For an impressionable newbie like myself this stuck and so I stayed at the sober home. I likely will never see "G" again, but his off-the-cuff guidance was invaluable in those early AA days.
R
"R" is someone I met online when I first joined AA as well. She was counting days with me at the same Zoom meeting we were attending daily. I still remember her 90-day qualification at said meeting. It was exceptionally vulnerable, raw, and beautiful. While "R" didn't stay sober after that, and is in fact no longer in AA, her story showed me how I can constructively learn from my past as long as I remain sober. I am still connected to "R" and she's staying sober using a different path, but whenever we speak I get inspired by how much I should fight for my sobriety, no matter previous events or current circumstances, because there is so much to gain from staying on the beam. She teaches me to be intellectually curious and find ways to expand my sober mindset and for that I am so thankful.
A
"A" is actually family and is the one responsible for getting me into the Program. She was one of the few family members who held my hand while I was drunk, put a roof over my head when I had nowhere to go, and drove me to the sober home that finally got me into the rooms. We've had a complicated journey over the past several years, but words cannot express how much her support means and how she saved my life multiple times.
T
"T" is actually a former grand sponsor. We never talked one-on-one really, but he lead the first Big Book meeting I attended. His understanding of the text - which paras I should underline, what "XYZ" concept means, etc. - are notes I still have in the Big Book I read today. I'll go back to those margin notes and be in awe of how much I've grown since then and how much still resonates in the same way. One of our assignments from that Big Book meeting was writing out our story. It was the first time I had done this honestly and when I read it aloud at the meeting it made me emotional in a way I still think about. While we may never have spoken directly, T's direction from several years ago continues to inform my journey.
E
"E" was an interesting character at a meeting we used to attend. She had gotten sober in her early 20s and so at the time we met she had already accumulated many years. I was always intrigued by her shares because often times they'd come across as rants or lashing out, especially at newcomers. "E" had very particular (and, to be honest, correct) beliefs on how the Program should be worked. While we only spoke a few times directly, I feel my behind-the-scenes thought process around understanding "E" was more informative than anything. Through her shares I understood concepts like hurt people hurt and I have to work a program that makes sense for me and not for somebody else. It was the old school way she conveyed her knowledge that forced me to melt away prejudices around the delivery and focus on the message. The exercise of doing that early on with "E" taught me a lot about how to constructively listen to people, while protecting myself, and also approach everyone with love.
F
"F" is simply joyous. He's a gay man with many years of sobriety who taught me to be in AA means my life can be colorful again. In one of his early shares he discussed how as an artist he could only see darkness during his addiction. His home was filled with just shades of black and grey. When you see it these days it's bursting at the seams with vibrant colors. There is so much light in there. This straightforward visual transformation reminded me so directly of my life. My clothes pre-AA were all dark tones. I had no artwork in my possession. I had a room I rented that barely had furniture and zero decor. Now though my life has artwork, colorful clothes, colorful furniture, color everywhere. Hearing "F" talk about his color evolution and seeing it in my own life makes me hopeful and happy.
U
Cheating a little bit here, but this is my post so I'm going to use the letter "U" to underscore a neighborhood - Manhattan's Upper East Side (UES). It is where that sober home I referenced earlier is located, it is where I attended most of my in-person AA meetings, it is where several of my AA friends reside, and it is where I met my current partner. I was born and raised in NYC so naturally I have a ton of memories of each and every street corner. A lot of those corners became painful places because of my drinking. But the UES holds a special place in my heart as it is the part of NYC where I first began transforming myself. I can walk those streets and feel a sense of gratitude for how much I learnt there and how that knowledge continues to live with me all the way out here in Denver.
L
"L" has been one of the earliest examples for me of what a sober gay man can be several decades into the Program. He survived his addictions, he survived the world bullying him for his homosexuality, he survived the AIDS era, he survived COVID, and he's still going strong helming his meeting on the UES while also taking time to travel the world. Nearly every week he would write these engaging emails summarizing his adventures and being unabashedly himself. If I get to live to his age I hope to have even just an ounce of the zest he has for AA and for life in general.