I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a full weekend, for books, for doing service and dinner with a sponsee. I’m grateful for my family, the power greater than myself that I have my own understanding of, for my bracelet that reminds me of home, vacation we have coming up soon and for rest. I’m grateful for coffee, hope, and feeling calm.
Goooood morning my friends (: I hope everyone had a spectacular weekend and we’re all ready to tackle the week ahead.
I, to be completely transparent, am writing this on Sunday night so the Monday blues haven’t hit me yet. However, I am so very grateful to have a job that doesn’t even give me the Sunday scaries. Which for anyone who’s unfamiliar with the term - Sunday scaries are the existential dread one gets for the work week. I assure you at my old job there were plenty of scary Sundays, but these days I look forward to the fresh week.
I also in full transparency must let you know that the reason I’m writing on Sunday is because I recently discovered these magical massage chairs and the sauna in my gym, so tomorrow I’m planned quiet the morning full of a quick workout, 10 minute massage and sometime in the sauna.
I also have laundry to put away and a variety of other chores to do before the day actually begin and truthfully….no one warns you that this is what adulthood looks like. Or maybe they do and when you’re a kid (especially an alcoholic one) you just don’t listen.
Anyway, I’m not here to bore you with my morning adventures or trendy definitions. Over the weekend I had coffee with a friend who said the same thing I’ve heard 249352 times but this time it really hit me.
Everyone is just using the tools they have to the best of their ability, and sometimes that ability may look different than my own. First and foremost, by no means to I say that in an egotistical way. But when I heard my friend say this, it put so much compassion back into me.
Sometimes my best is just making the bed in the morning and getting through a full day of work. I have been really hurt lately by other people, I’ve been feeling grief and pain and resentment. I have felt like actions have spoken so much louder than words and that there are some things that just can’t be taken back. But first of all, I have been letting all of those emotions hold so much power over me and take up a lot of space in my mind and I have forgotten that other people have just been doing the best they can. That doesn’t always look pretty or nice, it doesn’t always feel good, and IT DOES NOT MEAN WE EVER HAVE TO BE DOOR MATS……but it doesn’t have to be so black and white either. It doesn’t have to be you’ve hurt me so I’m giving up…
I think in some circumstances yes, absolutely there is a line when enough is enough. I was just reminded of a little sliver of hope this weekend. That people can change if all parties are willing. Including myself. So that’s the gray area I’ve landed in for now. Not giving up, no going full throttle into made up solutions either, just a little sliver of hope.
And trust that no matter what it will be okay.
xx
Jane