Hello my friends!
Welcome to another week of Growing Pains: Sober Girls Edition :) This week I get a little bit heavy, but I promise it’s worth the read!
For the past few months, I have been saying over and over again “I just want to be on Step Four.” I’ve heard tons of people say that finishing the Fourth and Fifth Steps are liberating and freeing and I just want to feel those feelings, too. So, while my sponsor and I weren’t quite there yet, in my Big Book study group, we had finally reached step four. YAY!
Our fearless Big Book study leader (aka “Your Sponsor”) had told me not to do this step with the rest of the group because I wasn’t there yet with my sponsor. Of course because I’m me, I insisted on doing it and my sponsor was totally cool with it so long as I shared what I wrote with her and only her.
Fine. One fear, one resentment, one sex issue. Easy peasy and I’m fucking ready to be liberated. Cute. Also, so everyone is aware, it’s clear to me now that I didn't fully understand Steps Four and Five until after the fact.
So I did the homework, shared some of my past with my sponsor and was full of so much shame and so much guilt. I had expressed to my sponsor that the things that I did and the way I behaved (mind you, we only tackled three things out of an eight year long drinking career, okay) were not and are not who am I. She kindly enlightened me that saying that is discrediting those actions and they are who I am. Those behaviors and the person I can be, the person I was, are a part of me and always will be. And therefore, I am terrified of that part of me, the person I was and am still capable of being.
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I was so full of feelings that were anything but freeing, I spoke to a great friend of mine, our Big Book study leader (who may or may not be “Your Sponsor” ;)). He shared with me a beautiful message that If we don’t pick up again, our future can be whatever we choose to make it and that future will be filled with much self-esteem BUT if we pick up, our past becomes our future again and that is simply too dark to contemplate. After hearing that, I was filled with so much hope again.
My initial Fourth Step experience was not at all what I expected, however, I’m willing to change. I don’t ever want to be that person again, I want to be free from the past, correct my wrongs, begin every day as a better person and the only way I can do that is by completing my Fourth Step, Fifth, Sixth and so on and then doing them all over again once I’m done. And I’m so grateful I am able to do that everyday for the rest of my life. I don’t want it any other way.
But hold on, I’m not done with this story just yet. The next day, after I did Fourth Step work with my sponsor, I met with my new therapist. I love my new therapist, she’s great and in only three sessions she has gotten me to talk about things I never have before.
One of those things being internal Jane vs external Jane. External Jane wants to be the cool girl, the gold star child of AA, loved by everyone, hated by none, charming and funny and beautiful. Internal Jane is scared shitless of everything. Of being forgotten, not being enough, not being accepted. Someone is prettier than me, smarter than me, has more sober time than me. I’m easily disposable and replaceable and all of my friends are going to leave me, my boyfriend is going to leave me, AA is going to disappear if I EVER let internal Jane slip out even for a second.
So Tuesday my emotions and my past hit me like a ton of bricks and Wednesday my emotions and my past hit me like a ton of bricks.
And even though I wanted to curl up into a ball and just cry, I was comforted in knowing hey…I have some serious work to do but I can get through this. I’m not alone, and so many others have been through this before me and you know what, it totally sucks. But I and we are capable of change. Capable of learning and growing and finding yourself. Bridging the gap between internal vs external and being a better person. And for me, the only way to do that is through the Steps. Going to meetings, being of service, talking to a newcomer. Trying new things in sobriety, speaking with people who have been there before, not giving up and absolutely not picking up. Because if I pick up I’ll never get better, I’ll never figure out who I am, and I'll never have a chance to experience all the positive things that are in store for me. I’ll go back to who I was.
I have work to do but I’ll be damned if I give up now. And that brings me to….
In the first 90 days I heard a lot of people say don’t give up before the miracle. Now at the time, I didn't know what that really meant because I was on my pink cloud and I was sober so I was the motherfucking miracle. But I get it now, being able to do the work, and not drink for 24 hours at a time is a blessing. And it’s hard but it’s worth it.
So anyone who is counting days…please don’t give up before the miracle. Sober life is so beautiful, please stay. And next week will be a much lighter post I promise ;)
With so much love,
Jane
One day at a time 🙏 It works if you work it. (And thank you.)
I hope this helps at least one person today and that everyone enjoys 🤍🤍 always here for anyone who may need!!