Growing Pains: Sober Girls Edition

All Consuming Emotions

Hello my friends!

Welcome to another week of Growing Pains: Sober Girls Edition :)

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If you’d like to read this on the website or you can listen, too: Sober Girls - All Consuming Emotions

I was thinking to myself this morning that I had no idea what I was going to write today. Then I just started thinking about all of the things going on lately and now, as per usual, I have so much to say and not sure which avenue to take you down.

So, I’ve decided to take you down three today :)

First, I was speaking with my therapist yesterday morning and it was probably one of the best sessions we’ve had. She very kindly pointed out to me all of the growth there has been in the past year. Most importantly, we spoke about how I am ashamed of my emotions.

I feel everything so deeply. If you are sad, I’ll feel that. If you’re happy, I’ll feel that too. When I am in pain, its crippling and I can literally feel my heart hurting. When I’m happy, it’s the best feeling in the whole world and I can feel the joy start in my toes and take over my whole body, radiating warmth and love. I can also feel my anger start in my toes, and take over my whole body with heat, ending in my ears and my face making me feel like I’m on fire and the only thing I see is red.

When I was drinking, I was easily able to subdue these emotions that I or others did not or may not have approved of. I just didn’t have to deal with them when I was drinking and how strongly I felt them. But now… well I am definitely still ashamed of them. But I can communicate them now. That communication doesn’t look perfect and my worst enemy is my anger…how quickly it rises in me and I just get lost in it. But I can share how I’m feeling in a constructive way now, and talk about it, and work on it, and not have to subdue anything.

So the shame is still there but I am also still growing. I will always be growing but it was incredibly helpful to see that I have come a long way since January 1st 2022.

Second avenue - Also having to do with emotions I presume but more about how the simplest tasks can just completely overwhelm me. Yesterday, I was Christmas shopping for my boyfriends siblings and naturally its was packed in the store I was shopping in, I was sweating my balls off, I didn’t know what to get them and I was so overwhelmed.

Now, because I’m an emotional person that overwhelmed feeling can feel like the walls are caving in. If I don’t get the perfect gift for each person they are going to think I didn’t put any thought into the gift, they are not going to like me anymore, they are going to communicate that to my boyfriend and in turn our relationship becomes 100 times harder because he has to navigate his family not liking me.

Now, one might say “Jane. It’s a Christmas gift…just relax” and while I totally hear you on that point, to me it’s just not that simple. Everything carries weight to me, everything is a ripple that leads to a wave and if I can make those ripples as perfect as possible then maybe the wave won’t be a devastating one.

And as I type this, I’m aware that I need to let go of control obviously but I also think to myself that this quality is just one of the unique things about me. It makes me passionate, and caring, and want to give, and take care of people. So if it is in fact a bad thing, please let me know but today I’m going to ride the wave of - do I have to make everything so catastrophic, no. But do I want to be passionate and caring, yes. I don’t want to not feel things so deeply, I just don’t want to feel like the walls are caving in all the time.

Now honestly, after writing all of the above I have completely forgotten what the third avenue was going to be…so you guys lucked out today ;) But as I am writing I am listening to instrumental Christmas music and Hark the Herald Angel was playing just before. I looked out the windows and there was a million birds flying past. My Peepa was in those birds, just flying past to remind me he’s here always. And that I shouldn’t be so ashamed of my emotions… (Ironically, my Peepa’s fathers name was Harold…Herald angel..a messenger, the birds, my grandpa…it all connects in my head let me know if anyone else is following..)

So overall, I hope everyone is feeling holly jolly, I hope everyone is having a beautiful Thursday and sending love to everyone always.

Xo,

Jane