Growing Pains: Sober Girls Edition
Removing the Chains One Link at a Time
Hello again my friends :)
Welcome to another week of Growing Pains: Sober Girls Edition!
If you’d like to read this on the website or you can listen, too: Sober Girls - Removing the Chains One Link at a Time
I hope everyone has been having a beautiful week! I know this is a little out of the ordinary but before I dive in , I just want to throw out a trigger warning for anyone who struggles with an eating disorder. I always want this to be a safe space so please feel free to stop reading (or listening) here if you need to.
Lately, my eating issues have been rearing their ugly heads…anytime I eat something that I consider even remotely unhealthy, my brain tells me I should “punish” myself by going for a run, doing some sit-ups etc. My disease also likes to remind me how much skinnier I was 10 months ago, how my favorite pair of jeans ripped because I’ve gained weight and those little baby abs I once had have disappeared.
Eating disorders will absolutely consume anyone it can get its hands on but I think for women, it can be especially difficult. For me personally, I feel like we are constantly being told that we have to have a ginormous ass but a teenyy tinyyy waist. And we are supposed to have quadruple D sized boobs but no tummy. And under all circumstances we must have our makeup done, nails done, hair perfectly placed and if none of those things are being successfully accomplished then we are being brutally judged or criticized.
Oh and by the way, apparently “heroin chic” is back in, incase you didnt hear. Last time I checked…there’s absolutely nothing “chic” about addiction but that's cool…who am I to stand up to the beauty and fashion industries that make billions upon billions of dollars telling us that we aren't good enough.
I heard someone once say in a meeting that she free’d herself from the shackles of her drinking and using so why would she remain in the prision of her eating disorder. Holy shit did that hit me like a ton of bricks.
So I’ve definitely been better about eating that cookie when I want it, enjoying every sip of my milkshake and not giving in to the voice that want’s me to do some jumping jacks while I eat a slice of pizza.
But the greatest challenge to me, is the voice that wants me to starve myself and the voice that want’s me to drink coupled together.
So I shared this with my Sponsor last Sunday and we talked a great deal about how there is a lot of unknown in my life right now. There's a lot of things that are just completely out of my control but subconsciously - what can I control? You got it - my eating.
She also shared that the desire to eat less can also be the subconscious desire to literally shrink myself in reaction to all of the really big things that scare me, that I’m not in control of.
And again, holy shit did that hit me like a ton of bricks…She's totally right, there are so many things going on that I have no control over and to make myself feel small, to control what I consume are those knee jerk, feel good reactions, because that’s what I'm used to and that's what feel’s safe.
But I’m telling you all right now…I say fuck that. Is the unknown scary? Yes. Is the lack of control extremely uncomfortable? Yes. But I refuse to stay in a self made prison. I refuse to do a sit up because I have the luxury of enjoying a delicious milkshake.
I will be grateful that I have access to food that fuels me. I will be grateful that I have a body that keeps me alive everyday. I will try my absolute hardest to love every curve, every stretch mark, every scar on my body. Because I tortured my body for eight years, and now, it deserves to be loved and nourished exactly the way it is.
So while I know that it's not always easy to remind yourself to love yourself - I hope that everyone who is reading and struggles with these things knows that you are beautiful just the way you are. And if you don’t feel that way am I here to tell you that it's true. You are perfectly imperfect, beautiful and strong.
And every time we remind ourselves and each other of that, we are taking our power back. We are removing the chains one link at at a time.
With so much love always,
Jane
Thank you guys always for reading🤍 Always here for anyone who ever needs !
Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. Also I looooove that picture of you. The sweet joy! I wonder what you were thinking. :)