Hello my friends!
Welcome to another week of Growing Pains: Sober Girls Edition :)
Know you missed me yesterday but I’m coming to ya every Thursday moving forward, don’t worry you guys can’t get rid of me ;)
So this week I’d love to share with you how I’ve been thinking a lot about the word Brazen and what it means to be bold lately. Maybe…just maybe… I’ve been thinking about this so much because of Episode 23 of Breakfast with an Alcoholic featuring the amazing Tatiana aka Brazenface here on Substack, which you should definitely check out….
Tatiana is truly incredible, her one way ticket to Europe to live her life courageously is incredible and how she talks about how she thought alcohol was robbing her of courage is also so incredible.
All of her amazingness has me pondering, like I said, what it means to be bold as well as courageous. While Tatiana felt she was being robbed because of alcohol, I think I forgot what it’s like to be bold without the bottle.
There was obviously (maybe not so obviously depending on the person you ask)
a lot
a lot
a lot of bad things associated with my drinking and how I would behave while drunk. But in that same breath, I loved the liquid courage. I was beautiful while drinking, I was strong and successful and smart and I loved myself. Reality was I was falling into piles of trash, verbally abusing people, causing scenes, getting lost, going broke, and ripping apart my family. But again, I started drinking when I was 14 so I don’t think I really knew or currently know how to actually be bold, or to love myself sober, or how to feel strong and successful without a drink.
I think to me being bold translates into something super linear, like a badass woman in a pantsuit running the world. Which of course is not accurate, there are lots and lots of different ways to be bold. For example - being 100% yourself no matter the situation. Not compromising yourself for other people, standing up for what you believe in. Those things are bold, right?
For me, almost 9 months later, it’s so clear to me that I have paralyzing fear that holds me back from being both bold and courageous.
I’m so fucking afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid to say what’s on my mind because what if the other person judges me, or I rock the boat too much, or my opinions, thoughts and feelings automatically becomes too much for the other person. I’m afraid to do things that will make me genuinely happy like pursuing my passions because how will I pay my rent, where will I live, what will I do… It’s very clear that I have a Step 2 and a future tripping problem wouldn’t you say? (We can list the other problems that are pretty clear at a later date…)
And to let it all go and turn it over to my Higher Power is scary too. Because what if it all doesn't pan out like I want it to in my head….which is totally the point. I’m acting on my will and the things I want and there’s already a plan and a path for me but accepting that….is where I struggle.
So with Tatiana and the word Brazen in mind I’ve made a little commitment to myself to start with little bold and courageous actions, one day at a time. Today it is taking courage to call myself out on all of the above. I don’t know what tomorrow's bold thing will be, but I know that I can do it in a baby step, because practice not perfection right?
And maybe with all of my small steps, I’ll look back in a few weeks/months/years and everything will be so positively different (maybe I’ll even own a few pant suits!)
Tatiana and her courageousness gives me hope, for me and my courageousness. All I can wish and pray for is that with time and positive action and work (and a little less my will..) the fear will slip away and I will be bold, and have courage, be confident in myself and who I am and I will undoubtedly know, that everything is exactly the way it’s supposed to be.
And I pray and wish the same for all of you beautifully bold people.
With so much love,
Jane
I hope you all enjoy! Thank you always for reading and always here if anyone ever needs :)