Guess The Lines Aren’t That Fine After All
Daily Gratitude List - July 3rd, 2023
I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for learning how to be 100% myself, I’m grateful for being able to sleep in today, having off from work and vacation coming up in less than two weeks. I’m grateful for meeting with my sponsee yesterday, for meeting with my sponsor today, for speaking at a meeting last minute last night and for coffee. I’m grateful for being able to show up and help friends, for moments of growth and for time outside.
Good morning my friends!
As always, I hope you all had a wonderful weekend, if you are off from work for the holiday that you are taking some time to rest and if anyone is struggling today, please know you’re not alone.
I spoke a few weeks ago about the fine line between pushing too hard and God sending the boat but not rowing it for you. Over the weekend it dawned on me that maybe that line isn’t so fine after all.
I feel like I have been taking the initiative, the actions, I need to make some changes in my life, and I keep being met with a series of no’s. For example, Timmy and I were looking to move and twice, we went to tour apartments in which the broker just never showed up.
We finally saw an apartment we really loved and financially, it’s just not going to work out. Now don’t be fooled, my sobriety isn’t perfect, and I had the equivalent of a 6-year-old temper tantrum when it became clear this apartment wasn’t going to work out. 100% stemming from disappointment and 100% could have been handled differently.
This is what made me realize though, that maybe HP isn’t sending me any boats right now. Maybe I’ve been faced with this long stream of no’s because HP just wants me to stop.
I don’t know how to stop, clearly when it came to drinking after I had that first drink, I had to keep going because that’s my disease. But it applies to things I set my mind to too, once I set my mind to something I’m going to do it until I succeed.
And THAT is what HP is trying to get me to stop doing. Hp doesn’t always send what I want, HP sends what I need. Setting my mind to something and not stopping until I succeed isn’t always a sign of strength, it isn’t always a sign of determination. It isn’t relaxing and taking it easy or living life on life’s terms. It is taking my will back.
Maybe I’m finally coming to terms with just how often I take my will back, and how often I turn to HP for things I want, over the things I need.
It’s starting to feel like this next year will be focused on letting go of control and my will, refocusing on Step 3 while I work Step 12, and living life on life’s terms...
Xx
Jane
Jane, the 'want' versus 'need' thing is something I hadn't thought of in these terms - such a great post! Learned a tonne, as always - thank you. 😊