I'm grateful for our new home coming together slowly but surely. I'm grateful for writing as a tool to still my mind. I'm grateful for taking time to address issues in real-time rather than let them linger. I'm grateful for the two groceries stories a block away from us. I'm grateful for rituals slowly retuning to my day. I'm grateful for things unfolding in ways I could never imagine and enjoying the ride.
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It has been one hell of a chaotic week.
We road tripped to Richmond to visit my partner's parents. Next Asheville to check out what all the hype is about around this mountain town. Then a marathon drive to Kansas City via Nashville and St. Louis. We luckily missed the Super Bowl in KC because our next stop was home - Denver.
Denver greeted us with a wonderful little snow storm. Everything was covered in white and soon after the clouds passed the sun came out. There was an idyllic white sheen to everything in our charming little neighborhood.
Since my schedule is in such atypical flux, my sober routines have been upended. Hopefully with the internet coming tomorrow and a few important boxes being emptied I'll be able to embrace my AA rituals once again. Check-ins from sponsor, sponsee, and others has been helpful in keeping me grounded. I'm able to get out of self and think about the program.
The most common character defects I find emerging is my need to control. Whether it's wanting to drive the car the majority of the time for no good reason or not liking how something is being assembled, I find myself constantly checking why my mind is veering off the way it is.
And THAT real-time check-in has been crucial for remaining serene. A common acronym I've heard at meetings is "HALT" - am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired?. It is not one of my most common sober references, but it has interestingly popped up a lot for me this week. I'm not eating at regular times since we don't have the kitchen setup so the "H" in "HALT" emerges often. "A" is a huge deal - because I cannot control so many things in the arrangement of this home I have small, mostly internal, little tantrums. "L" isn't as much of a thing at present. We have a nice family/friends network already here that I'll be excited to tap into once we get our home life sorted. "T" is the last biggie. Waking up super early to get on the road each morning to beat traffic lead me to not having all my mental bearings, which lead to cozying up to my character defects more willingly.
Seeing all these emotion come up and then tying it to "HALT", an acronym I usually snicker at, went a loooong way towards de-escalating my negative traits. It let me identify them immediately, understand the root reasons, and watch them quickly pass. I was able to work this program over the past few days in a new-ish way (for me) by remembering something I'd heard from another fellow and latching onto that tidbit to guide me. So, thank you "HALT". I'm sorry I judged you previously.
Finally a small routine I've been practicing over the past week has been "Evening Reflections". I ask my partner what the best/worst part of the day was (I too answer of course). Then as I fall asleep ai do the exercise solo. My mind assesses how sober was I today? When I veered off course, why? When I stayed the course, give myself a little pat on the back and remember to keep that action top of mind for next time. Taking a step back during these last moments of being awake is a blessing. What I ultimately find my last thoughts being are how lucky I am for what my Higher Power has given me. Holding onto that gratitude lets me close my eyes and be at peace with the day's rollercoaster ride.
Blessings to you in your new home. Wonderful recovery in Denver 🙏