I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a slow weekend, for rest, for my family and for vacation being around the corner. I’m grateful for my sober life, for the strength to keep going, for a sunny morning, for a clean apartment with clean clothes and full of groceries. I’m grateful for the opportunity to make changes, and for the peace in knowing it will all be okay.
Gooood morning my friends (:
As always, I hope everyone had a lovely weekend full of whatever makes a weekend look lovely to you.
I spent the weekend finishing Dune and starting Dune Messiah and folks…I’ve completely gone off the deep end. I am THINKING in the cadence of the books….but it’s fine they are so good. Reading lately has made me feel so safe, a place to escape daily anxiety and a part of going off the deep end is that I don’t want to stop reading anymore….maybe that’s just the addict in me.
Anyway, some of the OG subscribers here may remember the time in which I would post a week’s worth of journal entries from my actual journal here. Well it’s been a very long time since I’ve journaled and I’ve kinda been feeling blah lately so…. I decided to journal today. Here….a stream of consciousness that I thought I was going to have to filter more but it came out pretty anonymous so no filtering necessary.
Maybe this is just the kick start I need to get back into journaling daily, we shall see but for now I’m glad I at least did it today.
I don’t know where to start it’s been a while since I’ve done this. Which can probably explain some of the burn out I’m feeling since my head is full of things all the time and ti does me better to write it down. I’m a little anxious about the day, when A is gone I get scared & immediately fall back into feeling incapable. I presume at some point I’m just going to have to make a choice. To understand I’m capable or don’t. TO have courage or don’t. To choose positive over negative. To actually start paying attention to the affirmation app I pay $1.99 a month for…or maybe it’s $1.99 a year? I don’t know but I should pay attention to it. I also am speaking at a meeting tonight & have to rush over to the workshop after for the business meeting. Buiz meetings are the best reality TV I could ask for. I do though when I’m speaking want to bring up again that every single person’s sobriety looks a little different. Perhaps I keep getting asked to speak because I’m feeling stuck. I don’t even know why I;m feeling stuck any more. I haven’t seen x or x in a while, the things that were frustrating me feel far away at this point. I know that I don’t want my program to look like theirs, that I want to behave in a way that is understanding and open minded and accountable. So then why do I still feel stuck. Has the change I wanted gone away? Am I just completely burned out? Maybe I feel like I’m just going through the motions? Maybe I’m clouded by recent anxiety? I don’t know but I guess I do know the answers will reveal themselves. I want to wear my sobriety like a loos garment and maybe that’s just letting all these things pass but also not answering the phone to have the same conversation over and over and over again. Maybe I’ve lost sight of my boundaries. I just feel so negative and that is definitely not something I want for the foreseeable future. I need a coffee. And maybe just the weather to change, there’s something about the warm that makes me feel better. I have to wrap this up and get ready for work.
I hope you enjoyed the rambling…I have to say I feel a little better (;
xx
Jane