How to Balance Understanding and Being Understood
Daily Gratitude List - February 20th, 2023
I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a warmer day after a few chilly ones. I’m grateful for trips (even just to Costco) with friends. I’m grateful for the people who push me to be better, for workouts in the park (even with its freezing), for people who make me smile, for messages from my Higher Power and for the day off today to catch up on rest and step work.
Good morning, friends! As per usual, I hope everyone had a lovely weekend and anyone who has off from work today because of President’s Day, I hope you can catch up on some relaxation.
And if you haven’t had the chance to already, I must encourage you as always to listen to Episode 29 of Breakfast with an Alcoholic…it’s a goodie ;)
In the meantime, a few events over the weekend have made me really think about one line in the St. Francis prayer that reads “It’s better to understand than to be understood.”
I know in my heart that is better to understand. Understand the pain I caused, the pain someone else is in, why someone may be projecting on to me, the trauma someone else may have experienced. To understand why someone may act a certain way and that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
That is why to me, it is certainly better to understand. However, when I am not feeling understood I absolutely have the tendency to lose my ever-loving mind whether that be via tears or anger or both. I am not a saint.
With that said, I know how hard it is to balance trying to understand but also wanting to be understood, and there are a few tools I have learned that I would like to share with anyone who is struggling with that balance.
Set some boundaries – maybe certain topics are not meant to be discussed right now with another party. Ask for space – if you are feeling overwhelmed, hurt, suffocated by trying to find that balance, it is okay to take some space. Disengage if things are becoming too heated. Talk to a fellow who does understand, who has been through what you’re going through before. Ask questions to help you understand the other person.
There are many tools that can be used but the above have proven to be the most helpful for me. And I hope they may help some of you too.
Because I know the pain of not being understood, I know the struggle of trying to understand. I know saying the St. Francis prayer over and over again trying to be better and sometimes, it just doesn’t feel like that “being better” is happening.
But the people closest to you see it, they see you are trying, and I promise, it does get better.
Sending a little extra love to anyone who may need it today and I will see you again on Thursday :)
Xx
Jane
Your post is like finding a penny today, Jane! I’m catching up on reading after a 7-day trip taking my granddaughter to National Honor Choir rehearsal/concert in Cincinnati. All that to say that the last song they sang incorporated the peace prayer of St. Francis, a prayer I had not heard or thought about for quite some time. Something about 215 elementary school students singing a prayer to be an instrument of peace and to sow love made a lump form in my throat and tears spring to my eyes. It was so moving.
And then I hop on Substack to see what I missed at TFLMS and read this! My Higher Power is pointing me to this prayer, and I’m going to spend some time meditating on it for at least this week. So much goodness there! As for the seeking to understand rather than to be understood--this brought to mind a family member who used to trap me into conversations where she whined about wanting to be understood by me and other family members, never seeking to look outward but always focusing on herself. I think we have to find balance, for sure, and I can certainly dive into my pit of self-pity and wallow in it when I feel misunderstood. This prayer is a good reminder that I am my best self when I am focusing outwardly.