I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a sunny morning when it was supposed to rain and for Spring. I’m grateful for my sponsor always being so wonderful, for a little extra sleep and for moments of clarity. I’m grateful for my journals, for a space that Timmy and I can both call home and for positive changes. I’m grateful that tomorrow is Friday and for coffee.
Good morning, friends!
I hope everyone has been enjoying the week :) I’m interrupting our regularly scheduled journal entries again and I’m sorry. They’ll be back I promise, these longer posts are just really filling up my cup lately.
My cup has been so empty, I am unmotivated, uninspired, and tired. I feel like I am constantly moving from one thing to another with only a few minutes a day to do something for myself. I have been spending a lot of time criticizing myself that I’m not doing enough and in the same breath, my sponsor is asking me where I’m implementing self-care.
I’m even a little burned out from my service commitments which sends me into a whole other spiral because I shouldn’t be burned out by service, right?
I’m also feeling lost. Like I don’t even know what will fill my cup or make me feel motivated and inspired again. Or what direction I’m going in. However, it is also super clear that I’m operating 10000% on self. My Higher Power isn’t present in any of the above.
I don’t bring in HP when I’m running around trying to do a million things at once and then becoming resentful after. I don’t bring in HP when I’m struggling with my eating, how I look or how I feel. I don’t bring in HP when I’m looking to find my way.
When I was in New Jersey over the weekend and at that lovely meeting I wrote about on Monday, I saw an old friend. Someone who was navigating sobriety well before I even considered a fragment of a probability that I could potentially have a problem.
We watched this friend for years, use and in my own sobriety I have always felt that we never did enough to help this person. So, when I saw them at this meeting, first I panicked, and then they came over to me and gave me a huge hug and told me that they were happy to see me here.
I told them that I felt like we never did enough to help, and that person looked at me and said, “oh I don’t care, I needed all of that.”
My HP was there in that moment.
I know HP is always there, waiting for me to be like “Hey, I need you”. And my self-will is still so unbelievably strong that I only ever say that when things are really bad.
So, the clearest message of them all to me is, perhaps I’d be a little happier if I relied on my Higher Power on the good days and the bad days. Maybe I get a little overwhelmed by the thought of turning everything over all at once.
But all you have to be is willing.
xx
Jane
I say the Serenity Prayer every day whether I have reason to or not. Sometimes in the middle of it, I find myself thinking, "Why am I doing this? I don't need it right now; I'm doing fine today." Lately I've been interrupting that thought to remind myself that a prayer -- any prayer -- is a way for me to stay connected to my Higher Power, and there's *never* a day I don't need that (whether I admit that or not).
It works if you work it.