I am so grateful to be sober. I’m so grateful for the way my life has changed these past two years and even in these past six months. I’m grateful for hope, for hearing what I need to when I need to, for my sponsor and my sponsees. I’m grateful for a slow weekend, a fresh week, a new day, a quiet morning and for books and coffee and rest.
Gooood morning my friends (: As always, I hope everyone had a lovely weekend full of whatever makes a weekend lovely for you!
So yesterday I had a pretty crummy but also not crummy day. Let me explain – We started the morning fine, we have a 10am commitment and I was actually ready on time for once when I received an email that altered my entire mood. Filled me with anxiety and stress and worry and all I could think about was that email. Then I get a text from someone else and suddenly I am working on a Sunday. All boundaries thrown out the window.
At the 10am meeting, the speaker was great and said a lot of things I connected with, but I heard him loud and clear when he said – If you are running late, an extra minute won’t be the end of the world. If you have work at 9, and you get there at 9:10 because you spent that extra minute praying, reading 86-88, mediating, whatever it is you do, then it’s worth it. (I’m spit balling here but that’s the general gist of what he said.)
I really heard that one, because guys…I work from home. There is not one single valid excuse for why I haven’t been taking the time to do my AA things in the morning. I’m not a big mediator but I love to journal and it’s important to me to pray (in a way that feels good to me i.e. I. had a on my knees phase but I think that came from someone else more so than myself, so I’ve gone back to writing my prayer and putting them in a God box) and there legitimately, isn’t a reason why I can’t be doing those things. I can spend 30 minutes in the shower instead of my usual 45 and feel better because I did the things that help me.
Following this epiphany I pulled some tarot cards (many of you know I love me my tarot and if that doesn’t work for you that’s cool but it’s something that works for me) and what came out was – intolerant, ruthless, impatient, anger, rage, pride, cold, aggressive, domineering, discontentment, control, materialism. All of those things are accurate. I have slowly slipped into all those things. But what also came out was positivity, joy, optimism, embrace the joys in life and leave the darkness and confusion behind. Surrender, collaborations, solutions, confidence. Those to me are the opposite actions to all the above. So, from there, I know what I need to do.
I have been so lost in the day today I’ve lost sight of the bigger picture. I’ve lost sight. Of my priorities, I’ve forgotten about balance. And to sit here and say – I’m going to change these things by doing xyz and xyz is going to happen in return is all just words. I have to do the work and take the actions and be patient.
I prayed after those cards and asked genuinely for help in just getting back on track. Later I got to help both of my sponsees, I listened to music while I cleaned and danced around and felt better. A very close friend asked me to officiate his wedding. OFFICIATE HIS WEDDING GUYS!! Someone who has seen me through all of my drinking and has seen me through all of my recovery to this point – wants me to be the one to marry him and his fiancé. Seriously someone pinch me.
So, I think God is talking to me. God has always been talking to me, but I’ve been really listening the past 24 hours. God will send me the boat but won’t row it for me.
So, it’s time for me to row the boat again.
Xx
Jane