I am so grateful to be sober today. I am grateful for a sunny morning, the weather getting a little warmer and for a break from the rain. I am grateful for Timmy cleaning the whole apartment for me yesterday, for new books, for connection, for time with friends and for rest. I am grateful for AA, for my sponsor, my sponsees and for a power greater than myself.
Goooodd morning my friends (: I hope everyone (as always) had a lovely weekend and is feeling fully rested for the week ahead. Special shout out to anyone who may be going to see the eclipse today!!
Over the weekend, I became super secure in a decision I made. The baseline of the decision was needing space and I made it a few months ago but fully seeing how I made the right decision came yesterday.
When it comes to friendships and expectations, I expect at least the barebones of friendship. I.e. Being supportive of each other, lifting up not tearing down, being nice to each other and not picking on or saying mean things. Maybe to someone else that sounds like too high of an expectation but to me, it’s the bare minimum. I want friends who respect me, see me as an equal, do not turn things around on to me, who can take accountability, who have an open minds and do not find joy from hurting others.
That is why we make work ideals, and sex ideal and in the case I guess a friendship ideal.
I have reached this point that if someone isn’t capable of meeting me there, then I’m not going to be a part of that friendship.
Expecting to be the center of the universe, expecting people not the disappoint you, those may be unrealistic but I am choosing to be in friendships that are respected, go both ways and make me feel safe.
So I think there is a fine line here, between unrealistic expectations and ideals. I can choose to be in a relationship where I accept people for exactly who they are, but if I am feeling hurt more than anything else, I can also choose to not be a part of that relationship. If certain things aren’t meeting my ideals, I can choose to create space.
Now, I am not saying that I am perfect and that I don’t disappoint people by any means. I am not saying that any decision we make is written in stone and can’t be changed or different in the future. I am not saying that ideals can’t grow and morph into something else. What I am saying is that I was shown very clearly something that does not align with my ideals and for right now, I am choosing my self and my peace and my happiness.
So…I don’t know if any of this makes sense or resonates with anyone else but I am feeling confident in my decision. And the reality is that I always had this huge fear or being alone (not lonely but completely and totally alone with no on there) and God put the right people in my life to show me that I don’t have to hang on to something because I am afraid of the alternative.
It always works out, the path always reveals itself, things are always changing but at the end of the day, we are not alone.
xx
Jane