I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful for a great meeting last night, for breaks in routine and for my sponsor who always makes me feel less alone and more human. I’m grateful for a little extra sleep, for the subway that takes me to work, for coffee and for learning how to needle point. I’m grateful for good friends and for how my program has changed in the past year and a half.
Good morning my friends :)
As always, I hope everyone has been having a lovely week, it’s a rainy day here in NYC and any motivation to get out of bed and plunge into the rain is not present.
I mentioned on Monday that last week was a week from hell and that truthfully the past few weeks have been a challenge. There have been a lot of obstacles, a lot of lessons, good communication and failed communication. My emotions are tired.
I’m working hard on letting go of control, not being so manic about how many meetings I’m making in one day, being patient and really leaning on HP. But one of the things I’ve been struggling with is the fine line between I’m pushing too hard to do all of these things’ vs God will send the boat but he won’t row it for you.
Do you guys know that story? God sent this person a boat, a helicopter something else that I can’t remember, and the person was like no no …God is going to come and when he finally met God, God was basically like dude…I sent you all of these things you just had to get in.
Sometimes, I worry that HP is sending me what I need and I’m missing it. But that is a fine line in itself because for me, I can start to slip back into that manic state of investigating everything, so I don’t miss anything.
I have to remind myself that my Higher Power knows me, and she isn’t going to send me anything that I will miss. My sponsor reminded me yesterday, that I’m actually really tuned in to HP and if she sent me a boat, I’d definitely get in.
All of this is bringing me to, I’m officially on my eleventh step and as a part of this step my sponsor asked me to find a new way to connect with God. That could look like going to church, time outside, whatever I need it to be.
Well for me, I would love to spend an hour by the East River talking to my Higher Power every day but realistically, I can’t make that happen. I want to connect with my HP in a way that feels regular and natural. So, for the time being I have chosen tarot cards. Your eleventh step practices are always supposed to grow and change but for now this feels right. And I have to say, every time I’ve been pulling cards – fear, insecurity, balance and creativity has come out….who would’ve thought. Entitlement also came out and that threw me for a loop so…that post will be coming soon…
Overall, if I can get any kind of message out today, it’s that things happen exactly when they are supposed to. Conversations with your Higher Power can look like many different things and there are infinite fine lines…but if God sends you a boat, get in it ;)
Xx
Jane