Intolerance

I'm grateful for hearing a powerful, positive qualification where the speaker was beaming the entire time, reminding me how much happiness exists in sobriety. I'm grateful for finishing my run in this heat - even if I go into it with slight dread, I always end up feeling lighter and happier. I'm grateful for having the practice of writing in long-form as means to unburden myself. I'm grateful for an effective, in-home dryer - those snowy winter days trying to find quarters for a machine from the '80s that barely dried my clothes were not fun. I'm grateful for the morning text I got from my cousin back in NYC reminding me of a lovely memory from our childhood. I'm grateful for being able to lead a NYC meeting I used to attend regularly and reconnect with old friends. I'm grateful to see lots of people enjoying themselves on a weekday in Cheeseman during our ritual evening walk.

I went to a meeting the other day where the lead, who had over four decades of sobriety, was sharing her perspectives on recovery. One of her most impactful points for me was tying Step 10 to practicing tolerance on a regular basis. That really hit me because of late I've been quite intolerant of things. Not an inordinate amount, but enough to capture my attention. I have found ways to nitpick because I always like to be in control or I have tried othering myself because it falsely boosts my ego. As I've determined time and time again all this is rooted in fear. But how that fear manifests as intolerance feels like a new connection to me. I wouldn't have used that word before as a possible Step 4 character defect, but I think it is. I can be on a semi-regular basis intolerant of people, places, or things around me.

As I identify this behavioral pattern, AA has taught me the need to not simply acknowledge it, but get into action around addressing it. Outside of sticking with my healthy routines (running, journaling, daily gratitude texts, etc.), I've been sharing more at meetings I attend regularly about what's on my mind. Those rooms are certainly safe spaces to be candid. By putting my thoughts out there I feel like the Program is keeping me accountable for updating my thinking. I have an internal voice telling me now that I've put these intolerant musings into the public ether, what am I going to do about it? I can't complain for weeks on end to the same people since I know that's a bad look. I have to make some sort of positive shift. I find sharing at meetings what I'm thinking and how I need to change is a solid first step for holding me accountable to the fellowship and to myself.

Helping another human being is another biggie. By figuring out ways to be of service gets me out of my head 100% of the time. Listening to someone else's problems, asking them how I can be of assistance, and then following through on their requests usually expands my capacity for empathy and shrinks my intolerance. I don't wallow in negative speak, but rather ride the wave of endorphins from doing a good deed. Honestly were it not for a handful of fortunate left turns during my alcoholic days I would definitely not be in the position of privilege I currently inhabit. As a result I recognize I am the last person who should be imposing my judgement on anything or anyone. Instead I should be focusing on ways I can be of assistance to my community.

Exposure therapy has proven invaluable around squashing my bigotry. I find that regularly putting myself back in circumstances where I've been intolerant, working on actively mitigating the bad thoughts in my head, and genuinely practicing open mindedness while there has proven revelatory. Changing my attitude in these scenarios allows me to quell those negative instincts. If I were to totally abstain from exposure therapy of those spaces/situations then I'd simply dig my heels into feeling the way I feel. By challenging head on my preconceptions (which have regularly proven to be misconceptions), I am moving towards love...and of course tolerance.

Acceptance is a BIG word in my AA world. It frequently pops up in my head whenever I'm faced with issues I cannot stand, especially ones I cannot change too. I don't know how or why it almost automatically appears. Maybe because I've enveloped myself in AA I hear acceptance spoken about all the time - it is in the Serenity Prayer, which we recite at every meeting. By osmosis it has become part of my innate vernacular. When I find the space to be in acceptance regularly, I can release my hold on expectations I have, and thereby curb the development of resentments. Without resentments piling up, I allow peace to enter my soul. By peace entering I am reminded more easily of my Higher Power. And staying close to my HP is crucial because it puts my issues, my grievances, my whatever into perspective and gives me permission to let go of those intolerant feelings that might otherwise consume me.

Step 10 is a daily exercise. Through exercise I build the muscle that squashes the intolerance I find emerging on a variety of fronts. I am so grateful to be in a place where I've gathered "tools" / ways of thinking suggested by AA that let me work on myself in a constructive, sober manner. I don't let the prejudice, which might otherwise overwhelm me with a drink in my hand, truly take over. Instead I rely on the aforementioned actions to repair my thinking and restore my equanimity.