Jelly of the Month Club

This Week on Diary of a Sober Girl

---

I am so grateful to be sober today. I am grateful for the gifts I’m able to give to the people I care about. I’m grateful to not be alone this Christmas, for writing, for conversations with my sponsor, for my sponsees and a job that I love. I am grateful for coffee, a sunny morning, candles, and for there to always be a silver lining.

---

Good morning my friends! 

As per usual, I hope everyone is having a lovely week and is gearing up for an even lovelier weekend :) For all those who celebrate, with Christmas in three days I just kee picturing in my head the scenes from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation where they open the advent calendar getting closer to Christmas. No Jelly of the Month Club for me guys… 

We are having some friends over tonight for secret Santa festivities and I’ve been compulsively cleaning my already clean apartment because while some may say it's a form of exercising control, having a tidy home soothes my anxiety. 

But what I actually wanted to talk about today is how on Monday I wasn't feeling great. And I ended up getting really upset and calling my mom and asking her if I would still be invited to Christmas if I still wasn’t feeling good. And I cried because I was afraid I was going to spend Christmas alone. 

Now, of course my mom said I would still be invited. And of course I wouldn’t be alone because Timmy would be with me and there would be an alcothon at the Workshop that we could go to and it would be just fine. 

But Christmas of 2020 I was alone. And I was alone because I chose to be. I blamed not going home on Covid, and my mom sent me food and wrapped presents I could put under the tree. But I wanted to stay home because I wanted to drink. I wanted to be drunk for Christmas so I chose to be alone just like I didn’t go to my Grandfather's funeral because I didn’t want to be held accountable for how much I  was drinking. 

Which by the way, on Christmas the liquor stores are either not open or close early so once I ran out of booze I had to order 2% Merlot or something of that sort because my options were clearly very limited. 

But the point is, flash forward to now I don’t ever want to spend a Christmas without my family again. And so when I thought I might have had to, well of course I was super upset. And like I said it would have all been fine but I got this HUGE wave of shame on Monday. 

As a sober woman of dignity and grace I don’t have to feel that shame anymore. I am not the person I was in 2020 today and I don’t ever have to be that person again so long as I continue to stay sober. And whenever I am feeling squirrely, these reminders are so helpful to me because sometimes a drink might seem appealing, but to become that self-centered person again is just not worth it. 

So, I know I’ve been saying it almost every week for the past month but - I know these next few days are hard. I know they aren’t always fun and many just want them to be over. But the wonderful thing is that Christmas and all the days leading up to it are really just regular old days that we GET to get through as sober people of dignity and grace. To pick up a drink is just not worth it and if you are struggling, please reach out. There are so many people willing to help. 

Happy Holidays. 

xx  

Jane