I am so grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful to be off from work today. I’m grateful for vacation coming up soon but also for how much I love my job. I’m grateful for my family and my friends. I’m grateful I’m not alone. I’m grateful for a hot shower, a clean apartment, and air conditioning even though I’m in Fall mode. I’m grateful for time to reset, for little epiphanies, for our dog, for our home, for a fresh week, for coffee, for books, and for AA.
Hi friends! Happy LDW (:
Apparently I have a lot to say today and since I’m off from work, I have the time to get all my thoughts out at once. So buckle up (;
First and foremost I am very very proud of a close friend who reminded me yesterday that (and forgive me friend because I know I’m botching this) I used to drink to drown my problems until I learned/realized that my problems are better swimmers than me. Such a good line, such a good reminder. I had the realization this weekend that I have turned into the person I did not want to be like. I am so angry, I am basically begging people to pick a fight with me because I just want to yell and I want it to be justified. I want someone to be my punching bag instead of just dealing with all the feelings behind my anger. And to be clear, I don’t want to drink. But if I did, I can’t drown my problems. They are pretty damn good swimmers.
I was also reminded yesterday that wherever you are, that’s where you’re supposed to be. Such a simple thing that has so much weight. I am exactly where I am supposed to be and whether it’s three months or three years I know that I will look back and say to myself, wow I learned so much. And wow I am so different now. Someone I went to college with just got married to someone who I also went to college with, both of whom I drank SO very much with. They are in a totally different place in their lives now and so am I in a totally different way. I never thought then that I would be a sober person today. And life doesn’t feel perfect right now, there are a lot of things that are sooooo good. Most things actually and I’m just hung up on this one thing that’s not good. But I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
This thing that is making me so angry is a thing I’m going to have to continue writing an inventory about. It’s not a one and done thing. I so badly want there to be accountability but what do I actually want that accountability to be? People go to JAIL? The building goes BANKRUPT? That’s not founded in reality. Those two things are just not going to happen so what do I want? I am not the jury, the judge and the executioner here. And I think I’m going to have to start accepting that. Forgiveness if VERY far away people let’s not even broach that topic, but acceptance I presume is a good place to start. #annoying.
I also desperately miss my sponsor and that’s totally on me. I should give her a ring but I know the above understanding is nothing that will surprise her. Pretty positive it’s what she’s been trying to tell me that this whole time. Funny how things sink in when they sink in.
So all of that said, today I am off from work as you know and I was incredibly anxious first thing but then I spent the morning doing some chores, cleaning the apt and now I feel pretty refreshed. Another nod to feelings aren’t facts, move a muscle, change a thought and even…this too shall pass. God I’m a walking slogan wall today. I have also fully transformed into a pumpkin and despite the fact that it’s 80 degrees it is now Fall. Can’t tell me otherwise. Cue the spooky movies, black cats and sweaters (I’m currently in a sweater, gone are the shorts that literally make me look like the little teapot - If you know you know.).
Essentially, it’s all good. The problems very truly just exist in my head. And when there’s not a problem I create one. And that’s why I have AA. Because it’s not just about drinking or using. My brain is different and thank GOD for a program, friends in the program, people with time in the program, people who don’t have time in the program, who not only help me not drink, but also keep me from going completely cuckoo bird. Because you all know I would.
Happy long weekend.
xx
Jane