I’m grateful for a beautifully cloudy run. I’m grateful for the child-like anticipation I have for a big snow storm - even as an adult. I’m grateful for Harper’s adorable new groom. I’m grateful to see a movie in the theater for the first time in a long while. I’m grateful for Zoom letting me stay connected with my NYC meetings. I’m grateful to diminish my ego and take a back seat. I’m grateful to recognize how to navigate the streets of Denver with a little less assistance from Google Maps. I’m grateful for the respite from work these past few weeks so I can get comfortable in my new surroundings. I’m excited to be present for the joys that surround me. I’m grateful for the epic nature I see daily and how it reminds me of the bigger picture.
I've been confronting two of my major character defects quite often of late: fear and control. While I'm typically a quieter, blend-into-the-background kind of guy, I do still wish to be the puppet master. I want this role because it mitigates the persistent, foundational fear I have. This fear stems from a myriad of things...
"I'm worried about my financial situation"
"People will stop thinking of me in the ways I want them"
"If I don't complete this project properly I'm going to lose my job"
"I don't want to be alone"
Name it and I probably have some associated fear. This fear manifests into a need to control. My ill-founded logic is that when I am the conductor of all scenarios I am able to expel undesirable variables and create the perfect outcome. Since life never goes according to my plan all the time, I get frustrated and the fear increases.
But wait, I have the solution. All I need to do is pile on my self-will and control more! Incorrect. Any sane person would realize this is a slippery slope. Being in the thick of it though, I tell myself it could be different, it could be better even, if I just move this chess piece here. But again, my moves don't work. Finally when I experience enough failures at being the puppet master, my fear escalates until only one solution remains: drink myself into an oblivion and say "fuck everything".
Today I'm glad to report this vicious cycle doesn't dictate my existence. What has been rewarding about working the Steps is that they have allowed me to recognize how all these traits feed into one another. However pattern recognition and a strong desire to be better, while important, aren't enough...
If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago. But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried. (Big Book, pages 44-45)
So what now? I have a lovely design for living in the Steps so why can't I be cured? Well the next sentence in that same BB para is where my solution resides...
We had to find a power by which we could live - and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. (Big Book, page 45)
A Power greater than myself. After battling with that term a lot, I have finally come to embrace it. Now I don't always have the most structured definition for what my greater Power is. Sometimes I say nature, especially when I look at the Rocky Mountains during my daily runs. Other times I say the Universe whenever I look up at the skies or watch another YouTube astronomy video. But mostly me remembering that there is a Power out there greater than me - especially in real-time moments when fear/control are taking over - puts me in a state of humility.
Who am I to think I can dictate what another person thinks of me or how a situation should end? If I cannot control those things then I must let go of the associated fears and humble myself to a belief there are greater, invisible forces at play. Luckily instead of helplessness or defeatism settling in, which are viable results from this line of thinking, I feel relief. The self-inflicted pressure of being in the driver's seat melts away. Since I cannot define this outcome, could it mean I was never able to define a lot of previous outcomes - even ones that went my way? It does and I am finally set free.
These days I intrinsically believe everything happens for a reason, a grander purpose, which I am grossly under-qualified to ascertain. Because of this, why not go with the flow of what's happening. Don't be a doormat by any means, but also don't be a dictator. Finding how to strike the right balance for me is always unique to the situation. I find when I truly am in need of relief, I recite the notion in my head that there is an amorphous, nebulous Power greater than myself and I need to take a chill pill. Let the feeling of control pass, let the feeling of fear pass. Know my place and let life unfold. For my part, focus on the next, tiny right action that is steeped in humility and not my defects. Repeating these series of mental actions gives me the opportunity to live another day.
Thank you for sharing. This is exactly what I needed this morning.