Liner Notes: Breakfast with Natalie
Episode Six
It was really great having breakfast with Natalie and if you haven’t listened yet, well, you could take care of that right now:
I heard her speak at the 79th Street Workshop when she celebrated three years of sobriety and thought her message was so inspiring. I think the first thing that struck me was her methodical approach to sobriety and her training as a lawyer may have something to do with that. When you listen to our breakfast, Natalie describes how she began to sense that she drank differently than her friends and begin to wonder whether she had a problem. She explored all sorts of self-help books and podcasts (hint, I know of a good one!) and became very interested in the sober curious movement. Ruby Warrington explains the idea
I’m very interested in the sober curious movement, too, and think it’s really great that people are actively considering the role of alcohol in their lives. One of the hardest things about getting sober is the sense that you’re cutting yourself off from all of civilized society by not being able to drink anymore. Those early days and months of sobriety can feel like being on a personal ice floe; cold and lonely are words that come to mind. There is the tragic sense that everyone else is having fun drinking together, living these fabulous alcohol-aided lifestyles while we are condemned to the alcoholic version of the Island of Lost Toys. Those exaggerations and the sense of loss do fade with time and sobriety, but they’re very, very real early on and I think are a prime contributor to relapse. The Big Book describes different kinds of alcoholics (Big Book, pp. 20-22) and suggests that if arrested in time, alcoholism might not completely manifest in a budding alcoholic. So, I think the opportunity to explore moderation in the name of health and well-being and without having to say the words “I’m an alcoholic” is a really important step forward. And, if the moderation part doesn’t go so well, then at least you know where you stand. Natalie made me laugh out loud when she said that she realized pretty quickly, however, that she wasn’t sober curious, just a good old-fashioned alcoholic!
The other thing that really caught my attention was when she talked about how being a sponsor to other women in the program has helped her convert all of the painful, shameful episodes in her life into something amazingly positive and valuable. Sharing her story and those experiences with sponsees shows them that they can find the way out, too. I think the basic teaching of Rumpelstiltskin is that anyone who believes that you can spin dross to gold deserves what happens to them.
In Alcoholics Anonymous, however, that is literally true: When we share our stories, we spin the most horrible episodes of our lives and all of the terrible losses into hope and courage for newcomers, into gold. There is no other way to describe that process other than calling it what it is: Magic.
Sponsors play an incredibly important role in that magic. The basics can be found in Chapter 7 of the Big Book, “Working with Others.” A sponsor helps a sponsee navigate the program, takes them through the Big Book and works the steps with them. Sponsor-Sponsee relationships come in a variety of sizes and shapes, but getting sober without a good sponsor is a pretty difficult thing and a good sponsor can literally transform life in unimaginable ways.
A friend of mine describes early sobriety and sponsorship with this story: An alcoholic is struggling and in a dark tunnel, desperately trying to find the way out. He sees a faint light in the distance and slowly makes his way towards that light, it gets a little stronger with each step he takes. He finally sees that it’s another alcoholic, holding a light that illuminates the rest of the path. He’s overjoyed that he’s made his way this far, that his suffering is at an end and that he can see the way out. The alcoholic with the light says “I’ve been waiting for you to show you the way out and now you can see” and hands him the light. “But first, it’s your turn to go and help someone else out.” A good sponsor lights the path and then teaches the sponsee how to do the same for the next alcoholic. That passing of the light, giving away the precious gift of sobriety that we have been given is at the core of every sponsor-sponsee relationship and is a big part of the magic that is sobriety.
The other thing that came through in my breakfast with Natalie was the importance of spirituality and developing a true sense of yourself. Navigating the Steps and early sobriety require a fairly radical and painful self-assessment and while that is a very difficult process, it produces freedom and sobriety. The first hard thing is admitting your’e an alcoholic, that you’re powerless over alcohol and that your life, run by you, is no longer manageable. Natalie shared her Sobriety playlist with me and it’s got a lot of great, great music. Natalie said that “Sober” by Deme Lovato was one of her favorite songs and I love it, too:
I think Macklemore’s “Starting Over” is a great song about the absolutely soul-crushing nature of relapses. I think relapses are the most incomprehensible part about alcoholism for people to understand and having to admit to the people who love you that you’ve failed again and that you’ve been lying to them again can take you to a pretty low point.
Eminem is sober and sells Mom’s Spaghetti:
Eminem also writes some pretty inspiring music that sure seems like it’s kind of about sobriety like “Not Afraid” or the one that’s been on a lot of my playlists: “Lose Yourself.”
The last thing I took away from my breakfast with Natalie was the importance of connection and how sobriety and AA help restore the connections lost to addiction. Being an active alcoholic or addict is a pretty lonely existence, contrary to what people think. There is a palpable sense of relief early on that you’ve found people like you who understand where you are and what you’ve been through. For me, the early days of trying to get sober was mostly about listening to those stories at AA meetings and gradually re-connecting the pieces of me that had been lost or damaged along the way Sponsorship and working with other alcoholics is an incredibly powerful way to rebuild the connections, I know it’s not only enriched my life in ways I couldn’t have imagined, but it’s also kept me sober for nearly 2.5 years and that counts as a real miracle in my book.
There is another great episode of Breakfast with an Alcoholic coming soon and I hope you’ll join me! In the meantime, check out the updated Official Breakfast with an Alcoholic Discography and if you’ve missed an episode of the podcast, we’ve got you covered: Breakfast with an Alcoholic Archive. See you tomorrow morning for the Daily Gratitude List.
Until then, stay well, be groovy and call your sponsor!
Thanks for Letting me Share!